A Decision Based On Love Page 13
Chapter 13
About six months after the accident Todd decided to do something with the enormous insurance settlement. What would be the best idea? Donate it? Possibly. Give it to the kids? Marci had an insurance check and Tyson would never want a penny. Was it blood money? Todd pushed his fingers into his closed eyes and pressed hard. There was too much to think about. Maybe he should just do something in Shari's name like a scholarship or grant or something. As was his nature and habit, he decided to make a list and try to figure out what he wanted to do with the money. As he wrote down the options he found himself including a couple that surprised him. Where did “motorcycle” come from? What about “camper trailer” and “travel”? Yet, the more he looked at the list the more appeal the new additions had to him. He could spend a little and still have a tremendous amount to donate. He couldn't help but smile at the idea of spending vacations traveling the back roads in a camper trailer with Hershey, hiking, biking and fishing mountain streams. Shari had been unable to do much physically for awhile and as he pondered, he realized how much he'd missed those things. He'd love to see some of the remote wilderness areas of the country that he'd heard about over the years. The smile got even bigger when he thought about a big Harley Davidson motorcycle. Shari hated those “murdercycles” and even though he loved to ride he had deferred to her concerns for years. Now, maybe it was time to try something he had always wanted to do. It crossed his mind briefly that perhaps he was still a little angry with Shari for dying and leaving him alone and that was one reason he wanted to get a motorcycle even though he knew she'd disapprove. But he dismissed the thought, mostly because he didn't want to deal with it. What he did want to think about was what kind of motorcycle to buy. A Harley was at the top of the list, but a bullet bike (or crotch rocket as his boys called them) was a little tempting too. He couldn't decide but he could sure have fun test driving them to help the process speed along. Todd put away the finances and for the first time in a long time he fell asleep with a smile on his face.
Early Saturday morning Todd was at the dealership. Phoenix had some motorcycle dealerships that were huge. There were acres and acres of rumbling, racing street fury. His palms were as sweaty as a teenage boy getting his first car as soon as he stepped on the lot. He stood there a moment and savored the feeling of being excited about something. It has been too long and it was a feeling he had missed. He hadn't walked around for more than 5 minutes when a salesman came up to help him. That was alright with Todd. He wanted all the information he could get. He'd probably only buy one of these once in his lifetime and he wanted it to be the right one. If that meant lots of test driving-so be it.
Todd started with an enormous Honda Goldwing that had all of the bells and whistles. Yes, it cost nearly as much as his SUV but then again it had at least as many options. It was comfortable, roomy and handled beautifully but it didn't feel like him. He took a spin on a Yamaha bullet bike with tremendous power and muscle but honestly, he couldn't possibly stay in that position for hours of riding at a time. His eyes kept darting back to the Harleys and after test driving both the Super Low and the V-Rod Muscle, he decided on the Fat Boy. It just tore up the road with attitude and he loved the laid back riding position and style. Todd picked out a silver Fat Boy, paid cash for it and called Tyson to come by and pick up his SUV later that day. He bought a helmet, straddled the wide leather seat and he was in love.
The feeling of the wind in his face, the motor rumbling against his thighs and the power in his hands was cathartic and as he rode he felt the tension drain slowly from his shoulders. Todd was a good driver, safe and courteous until he got on an old abandoned highway parallel to the interstate. By now the bike felt comfortable and he opened up the throttle and felt the engine kick into life. He leaned into turns, slightly at first, and then more aggressively. He didn't realize how wide his smile was until a bug smashed against his front teeth. It made him laugh out loud, and try to keep his mouth closed. The first laugh morphed into a hum and before long he was talking to himself as he rode. He talked about how good it felt to be out on the road, how much he missed Shari, how much responsibility he felt to help the kids and his inability to make decisions about his future. Todd may never have been one to sit on a psychiatrist’s couch and discuss his fears and anxieties, but out on the road, where he was alone, he opened up. He talked his way through every problem, possible solution and ramification he could think of. He was on the road for hours. He stopped at a diner for lunch and felt like a big bad motorcycle dude with his windblown hair, cycle boots and leather jacket. He rode back towards home facing the sunset and voiced a thought that surprised him, “Maybe I can be happy again. A different kind of happy.”
The only drawback to the long bike rides was Hershey. He went into a full-scale pout when Todd put on his leather jacket and gloves and pulled the bike out. For the first few days he would follow Todd out to the garage and jump and bark and race around the cycle, but after awhile he realized he wasn't going along and he turned his back and pouted. Todd thought it was funny, but he started thinking about taking Hershey along. Maybe he could get a sidecar. What would he do with Hershey when he stopped at stores or restaurants? As he rode that day he remembered that he had also considered a camper trailer. Hershey would love camping, fishing and boating. The motorcycle had captured his attention so well he forgot about the other plans. The more he planned, the more excited he got. Suddenly he remembered how Shari used to love to go shopping and buy something new whenever she was feeling down. She claimed it perked her up to buy things. Todd had thought it seemed ridiculous at the time but now he found himself itching to buy something new and experience that temporary high again. Maybe he was turning into a shopping addict. He would definitely have to keep an eye on himself. Right after this next purchase.
Todd spent nearly a month finding the perfect camping trailer. If shopping brought a temporary rush then he would extend it for as long as he could. The more he learned, the more he knew exactly what he wanted. He wanted something not too big, but with enough beds to take the grand kids out a few at a time as they got older. He was sure he wanted a toilet and a shower and a little cook stove. He wanted one big comfortable bed and a few smaller beds. He wanted to be able to pull it with his truck easily over any terrain and park beside a river, on a rocky hilltop or on a sandy shore. He searched the internet shopping for what he wanted and then rented a few for the weekend to check them out. In the end, he decided on a deluxe pop up tent trailer with big Baja tires for off road camping, and a skylight in the top so he could see the stars at night. He added an air conditioner and heating unit on the top but left room for a rack to hold his kayak in case he wanted to take that along too. The bed in the trailer had an extra 2 inch foam mattress and a retracting awning for the porch so he and Hershey could sit outside by the fire in the evenings.
The kids were supportive of his purchases. Tyson was a little jealous of the motorcycle but he came over occasionally and took it out for long rides. The grand kids especially loved the camper trailer. It looked like a little play house to them and Kylee made Grandpa promise to take them out camping as soon as she had her 4th birthday. It would be just the two of them and a long weekend of camping, star gazing and throwing rocks in the creek. Todd smiled at the very idea. One by one he would take his grand kids out and get to know them on a personal basis. Together they could shop for the food they would eat, get their fishing licenses, and pack the trailer. In the mountains, they would roast marsh mellows, look at the stars together in their telescope and spend their days fishing, playing in the river and hiking along the shores. He knew that his relationship to the kids would be even more important now that he was the only grandparent. He'd make Shari proud of the grandparent he could become. Without warning or forethought Todd suddenly felt the warmth of her smile bathe him in joy. The feeling surprised him and he knew that Shari was pleased with his efforts.
His first outing in the camper brought a contentm
ent Todd hadn't felt in months. Friday after work he hauled the camper to nearby Canyon Lake and camped on the grassy shore. Hershey dragged him around the lake on a short run and then ran around frantically barking at the tiny waves that licked the shore line. It made Todd smile just to watch him. He started some coals for a barbecue and then sat quietly watching the sun slip slowly into the horizon over the lake. Now that Shari was gone life just seemed to have slowed down. Half the time he felt like he was moving in slow motion and he was ok with it. There were so many fewer things he felt like he needed to get done. He would finally take the time to really enjoy each sunset and the breathtaking views around him.
Todd barbecued a Rib eye and tossed the edges to Hershey. He poured a drink and settled in to listen to the night sounds around him and eat his dinner. Yes, it was peaceful but it was lonely. Like an uninvited ant at the picnic, the loneliness marched in as soon as he lowered his guard and started to feel content. He wondered if he'd ever not be lonely again. Sometimes, like this evening in the dark it smothered him but thinking back he realized that it was always there, just hovering in his conscious, dampening everything he did and constantly wearing him down. Tonight he was drained from the effort to keep it at bay. He let it wash over him. He was so tired of being strong and trying to control his emotions. Out here, on the lake shore, he could cry if he wanted and no one would ever know. He was completely and utterly alone.
Todd let his mind roll over some of his favorite memories of times with Shari. There were some memories he replayed often of her laugh or her smile or something fun they had done together, but there were other memories that still brought too much pain. Those were the memories he tucked away and refused to relive. Tonight however, he was already feeling pain so he decided to indulge himself. He sat on the chair, facing the dark lake and laid his head back. The night sky was black and stars began to emerge brightly one at a time. He closed his eyes and let his mind wander. He thought of Shari sitting beside him on the couch after an especially long day. She took his tired, aching foot in her hand and untied the laces on his shoes. She peeled off his sock and unscrewed the lid on warm vanilla sugar body butter. With her small hands she worked the tired muscles of each foot until he began to relax. She ran her hands up and down his big feet, his calves and across his dry heels. It was heavenly and Todd remembered the feeling with a sliver of pleasure.
He sighed as he remembered the time Shari read about a hotel that offered morning wake up massages. The next weekend Shari woke up early and kissed his closed eyelid. She whispered to him, “I left your phone beside the bed, call me as soon as you wake up.” He had called, his voice still groggy from sleep, just to see what she was up to. Shari had come up the stairs a few minutes later with a crock of warm, scented oil. She started at his shoulders and massaged her way down his back and to his sheet-entangled feet. It was the most deliciously leisure wake up of his life and now, sitting on the lake shore in the quiet darkness, he sighed longingly at the memory. Those were the memories he cherished the most, the ones that hurt the deepest. Quiet, thoughtful little moments that showed him how much his wife really had loved him. She had loved making him happy. It was as simple as that, and the thought that he would never experience that tenderness again was too daunting to consider. The thoughts still brought a pain and longing that caused a physical ache somewhere in his midsection.
Todd sat for a long time watching the stars come out. He talked to Shari, even though he knew it was weird. No one was around to hear him and he missed talking to her almost as much as her physical presence. “You would have loved this lake Shari. It's gorgeous and peaceful and a person can feel far away from the world out here. I miss you. I wish it could have been me instead of you. I don't know what to do with myself without you. Hell, I don't even know who I am without you.” The melancholy mood was diffused slightly as Todd realized he sounded like a petulant little boy who was being deprived of a candy he wanted. There was a little bit of a pouty whine in his voice. Shari would have teased a smile out of him for that one. He wondered if she could see him now. He wondered if she had any influence over his life, and he wondered if she was missing him as much as he was missing her.
Todd doused the camp fire and invited Hershey in for the night. He lay in bed staring out the skylight at the night sky for a long time, trying to figure out how to live and enjoy life when everything he tried to enjoy brought painful realization of how much Shari would have enjoyed it too. Can a person just ignore the giant hole left in their heart? He was so tired of trying. He faded off into an exhausted sleep about 2am.
The new day brought new perspective and Hershey's enthusiasm was contagious. He bound in and out of the lake shore while Todd readied the kayak. There was just barely enough room in the opening for Hershey to sit on his haunches and Todd to stretch his legs out beside the squirming dog. They paddled along the 1000 foot cliffs amid the silence of the morning. It was still too cold for skiers or jet skis to be out on the lake so they had the water to themselves. Occasional fishermen hailed them from the shoreline and birds dived into the water in search of breakfast. Being out on the water, slowly cutting through the blue glass around him, Todd began to relax. The contentment eased over him like a warm sweater gradually enveloping him and he began to feel like he just might be ok.
By Monday morning Todd was refreshed and ready to face another week. He was so caught up in the project at work that he was totally blindsided by his anniversary on Thursday. In the back of his mind he knew it was coming and he knew he might have a hard time when the day arrived but with a “why borrow trouble” attitude he decided not to worry about it until it actually happened. He didn't really think there was much he could do to alleviate the pain anyway. Thursday he woke up late, missed his morning run and headed in to work with a perplexing problem on his mind. It wasn't until a little after noon when someone needed him to sign some forms and he had to stop and think about the date he was writing that Todd actually realized the significance of the date. The realization stopped him in his tracks and his pen paused in the middle of his signature. A wall of sadness and pain slammed into him and he sat down hard on the desk chair. 35 years ago today he had married his sweetheart in a simple, quiet little ceremony surrounded by friends and family. Now she was gone. For 35 years he had been part of a couple and now he was alone. They would never toast their marriage again, laugh at the secret memories only the two of them shared, or walk hand in hand. Pinpricks of pain stabbed at the back of his eyes and he knew he had to get out of the office. He flipped off his light and just walked out the door. He didn't say a word to anyone or stop to tell anyone where he was going. He just started walking, and when he got to the parking lot he was almost running. He didn't know where he'd go; he just knew he couldn't be around people right now.
He got in the truck and started driving, headed north. A love song was on the radio so he changed the channel. Tears of self pity, for all the anniversaries they would never again share, gathered in his eyes and made a slow salty trail down his cheeks. He ignored them and let his mind contemplate all of the things he would miss most about never having another anniversary with her. They had teased each other for years about how sweet their 50th anniversary would be when they were shuffling slowly along, hard of hearing and talking louder to make up for it. Now they would never see that 50th anniversary. Todd coughed to hide the escaping sob. Shari had of course loved anniversaries. She was always doing something to remind him of how lucky he was to be married to her. One year she filled his truck cab with the balloons. Another year she rented a convertible for the weekend to surprise him. They had spent more romantic getaways in Phoenix and the surrounding cities than they could even count. They usually tried to find breathtaking views, balconies, huge glass windows and a big hot tub under the stars. Every year had a special memory. Todd smiled as he remembered how he had surprised her for their 20th with a once-in-a-lifetime trip to a Sandals couples resort. Their week had been incredible, and unforgetta
ble. So many anniversary memories crowded into his conscious he couldn't keep them all straight.
He pounded the steering wheel in anger and frustration. Was the pain ever really going to be gone? Would he ever really stop hurting? Just when he thought he had found a place of contentment something like his blindsided him and sent him reeling back into the pit of pain. He kept driving, with no destination in mind. Passed the city limits, towards the mountains he rolled down the window for some fresh air. Still his mind ran over and over the precious moments of 35 years together. When the wind on his face turned colder he knew he was up in the high country. He pulled into a campground and got out of the truck to take a walk. The brisk walk turned into a run across the lightly snow covered ground and before long Todd was bent over and breathing heavy. This was higher altitude and the emotion of the day had left him drained.
He spent the afternoon walking along snow covered trails. The air was brisk but the sun was out so as long as he kept walking he was never too cold. He was in no hurry to get back to his lonely house tonight. He walked and thought and remembered for hours. As it always had, time began to heal the hurt. Instead of focusing on all the past anniversaries that would never be repeated, he began to focus on all the past anniversaries and how fortunate they were to have shared so many with each other. In his experience he had known so few people who shared the joy that he and his wife had over the years. That joy was something worth celebrating, and he was trying really hard to find joy in one of the most difficult days he had encountered since the funeral. It came in little flashes and hints of a smile but the memories were so sweet to him that he let them permeate the sadness and cocoon him in peace. The pain wasn't gone but it was in a better place of perspective by the time he got in the truck and headed back towards Phoenix. He stopped at a diner that advertised the “world's best pies” and grabbed a bite to eat on the way into town and then started mulling over the idea of a movie tonight. He needed a movie with such an intense plot and so much action that it would require all of his mental skills and he wouldn't have time to think about anything else.
He pulled into town and drove directly to the theater. When he checked the shows and times he found a high energy thriller that looked like it would monopolize his thoughts. He had about 30 minutes until it started so he wandered around the mall and bought a few gifts for his grand kids. He hadn't been to a movie in longer than he could remember. Shari didn't really like to go and they had usually found other things they would rather do. As he settled in to watch the movie with a large popcorn and drink he turned his cell phone off. When the credits started the theatre surround sound nearly lifted him out of his chair. Something in the back of his mind kept nagging at him but he was tired of thinking so he gave himself over totally to the movie and tried to chase out all other thoughts.
Two hours later, Todd was exhilarated and reliving the plot in his mind as he drove home. It felt good to be completely distracted. He flipped on his phone and saw that he had several missed calls, mostly from his kids. He called back Cami and she was a little frantic.
“Dad, I was so worried when I couldn't get a hold of you. I called to wish you a happy anniversary but when you didn't answer I started to panic.”
Todd felt a sliver of guilt. He hadn't stopped to think about how Cami would feel when she couldn't reach him. He should have known she would try to call and check on him on this day in particular. “Sorry honey, it was a little rougher than I expected and it caught me off guard a little. I went for a drive and then decided to see a movie.”
“Oh, that explains the long silence,” she sighed with relief, “I know I'm overreacting to not being able to reach you but I'm still a little edgy from the last several months. It's so hard not to be there with you and see how everyone is dealing with things. Sometimes I think I'm a little bit crazy.”
Todd laughed at her, “You're not crazy hon, and you have the right to be a little paranoid about losing a loved one. It takes a long time to get back to normal after a shock like we’ve had.” The words offered him as much comfort as they did Cami.
“Are you doing ok dad?” she asked sincerely.
“Like I said, I was a little blindsided by the emotion of the day but I've had time to work it out and I'm trying to focus on the positive aspects of having spent 35 years with someone like your mother.”
“She was pretty incredible wasn't she?” Cami supplied.
“Yeah, she was and not a minute of any day goes by that I don't miss her, but for the most part the pain is lessening and the memories are getting sweeter. How are you doing?”
“I pick up the phone to call her a few times a week still and sometimes when I just need a friend I sit and cry that she's not here to help. Isn't that selfish of me? I think about how much harder my life is without my mom in it. But I am finding that I'm drawing closer to Sean and things I would have shared with mom I share with him now.” Cami laughed, “I'm not sure he would say that is such a good thing but it's made us closer I think. I'm also making more new friends and I find I make a conscious effort to try and be a better person. Almost as if mom is watching me and I don't want to disappoint her. Isn’t that weird?”
“No Cami, it's not weird,” Todd's voice was reassuring. “I think it's a touching tribute to your mother that you are still trying not to disappoint her even after she's gone. You're a good person Cami. I know your mother is so proud of the wife and mother you've become.”
He heard the hiccup in her voice. It was still a little shaky when she answered. “Thanks daddy. That means a lot to me. I'm sorry I wasn't there to share the anniversary with you. I love you”
“I love you too Princess and don't worry. We're going to be ok.” He said it with more confidence than he felt and hung up the phone relieved to be done talking about feelings.
Tyson called to check in with him and the conversation went about the same way. Todd was impressed with how thoughtful his kids were. The love of family made everything so much easier. He was just getting ready to retire for the night when he got a quick call from Marci checking in to see how he had weathered his anniversary. Her voice was quiet and small and the conversation stilted after a few short questions and answers. Something wasn't quite right but he couldn't put his finger on it. Again the nagging impression that he was missing something pressed on his mind. It was the end of a very long day and he wanted nothing more than to wrap a pillow around his head and end the day in a deep, dreamless sleep. He was out before his head hit the pillow.