A Decision Based On Love Read online

  Chapter 14

  Marci sat in Maddy's office and played with the edge of the fabric cover on the chair. She wasn't sure if she was delaying an answer or if she just didn't have one. Maddy wanted to know what she was doing about weaning Eli. He was old enough now to drink from a cup, got plenty of nutrition from the food he ate and was independently pulling away from his mother as he became more and more of a toddling bundle of energy. But Marci wasn't sure she was ready to give up the bonding she got from their shared time together. Maddy thought Marci might not be faring so well in her battle against depression so she wanted to recommend an anti anxiety medicine. She dared not do it if Marci was still nursing Eli. Maddy looked intensely at Marci, waiting for an answer. She was disciplined enough not to let it show in her face or in her voice, but she was seriously concerned about Marci's mental state.

  Both women replayed in their minds the events of the past few months. Marci wasn't sleeping. She collapsed in a sleep-deprived state onto the bed at night but then woke up nearly every morning before 3 am. When she did sleep it was restless, she often woke up sweating, and she tossed all over the bed. During the day she lacked direction, initiative and interest in any of the things she had previously enjoyed.

  Everyone else seemed to be healing and moving on but Marci felt like she took 2 steps backward for every step forward she progressed. It wasn't just the projects that she started and never had the desire or initiative to finish; it was the dangerously stupid things she was doing that had both women genuinely concerned. Marci had shared the basics with Maddy of how mental lapses left her using poor judgment that could lead to dangerous circumstances. Once, after buckling Eli into the car seat to run some errands, Marci put the car in gear and began to back out of the garage. She never raised the garage door. Fortunately, she was just getting the car started so she merely bounced off of the heavy wooden door, denting both the car and the garage door. It shook her that she had done something so dumb. In the past few weeks, Marci had mailed an envelope to a friend and forgotten to put the card inside, she had left the water running in the backyard for nearly 24 hours before she realized she had a flood, and she had lay down to rest after nursing Eli to sleep and forgot that she left rice boiling on the stove. Her scariest moment came though at the park one day while she was sitting on the bench watching Eli play. Her mind wandered to all of the park outings her family had enjoyed when they were a whole, complete family. She pictured her and Mark laughing while baby Eli sat on Mark's lap and slid down the slide, or while she held one arm around Eli on the swing while Mark gently pushed them. She was daydreaming and didn't see Eli wander off of the playground. A concerned mother close by jarred her out of her musings and pointed towards Eli. By the time she got to Eli, Marci was in a full blown panic about her mental state. She wasn't sure she wasn't a danger to herself and others, especially Eli. Maybe she did need some anti-anxiety medicine.

  Marci had explained the mental instability to Maddy and Maddy had reacted with love and concern, suggesting the medication to get things under control while they worked on sorting out the mental and emotional issues.

  Marci seemed to lack the ability to make any decisions about anything so she took a sample of the Zoloft home and promised to consider weaning Eli and taking the drug.

  As she prepared to leave, Marci casually mentioned that she might schedule her next appointment next week after her and Mark's anniversary passed because she knew that might be a hard day. At the words Maddy stopped in her tracks and walked over to Marci. She gently took a hold of her arm. “Marci, is your wedding anniversary this week?”

  Marci merely nodded and refused to make eye contact. If she saw sympathy in Maddy's eyes she might break down and she was too tired to cry right now.

  “Marci, that can be a tough event for anyone who’s lost a loved one. Tell me what you have planned for the day?” Maddy questioned.

  “Not much. Tyson and Liz said they'd come over and visit for awhile in the morning and then I thought I'd just play with Eli and go to bed early. I think I'll be ok” She said the words with little conviction.

  Maddy wasn't convinced. “Tell me what day the anniversary is and I'm scheduling a visit for you that afternoon. After Tyson and Liz leave I want you to come by and check in with me. We don't have to visit for long but I want to see for myself that you are coping well.” Maddy wrote out the appointment on a small card and handed it to Marci.

  “Thanks Maddy, you're a good friend,” Marci tried to smile confidently but it looked a little lopsided.

  Marci picked Eli up from the sitter on the way home and made lunch. She tried putting him down for a nap without nursing him to sleep but he would have none of it. She decided that she would slowly cut out one feeding during the day and work up to weaning him. Her heart rate slowed as she made the decision. She didn't want anything to change, and yet she knew she needed something to help her climb out of the hole she seemed to be sinking deeper into.

  Two days later, Marci woke early to a black cloud of dread. She had anticipated trouble dealing with the anniversary and had tried to prepare herself mentally but she was still blindsided by the intensity of the emotions she was feeling. The night before she had called Todd to see how he had handled his first anniversary alone and he sounded strong and confident. The conversation left her feeling even more pathetic and inadequate.

  She still had hours before Eli woke for the day so she wandered aimlessly around the house picking things up and putting them away. She made some snacks for Tyson and Liz's visit later and did a load of laundry. Eli woke up grumpy and the morning was spent getting him to cooperate enough to eat breakfast, get dressed and put away his toys.

  Tyson's visit was gratefully received. He and Liz and the kids showed up about 11 am and they sat on the floor and visited while the kids played. Eli was still grumpy and Marci had to apologize as he stole a toy from Kenny and threw a book at Kylee. He was sitting in the time out chair within 15minutes of their arrival. He was undoubtedly only reacting to his mother's distress but Marci's already frayed nerves were at the breaking point. Marci was touched that Tyson would take off from work and come over on his lunch hour to check on her and spend a little time with them, but the conversation was slow moving and not natural. Everyone was avoiding the elephant in the room. Tyson and Liz, not wanting to cause any pain, waited to see if Marci wanted to talk about Mark, their anniversary or her feelings. Marci didn't want to burden anyone, and frankly she wasn't sure if she wanted to talk about Mark today or not. It just seemed easier to push everything aside and not deal with any of it.

  Tyson and Liz followed her lead and prepared to leave after about an hour. Liz visited with Marci while Tyson wrestled with the kids and gave them all a horsey back ride, bucking and neighing while Eli held onto his hair, and Kylee held onto Eli. He squealed with delight when his uncle Tyson threw him in the air and Liz look on affectionately. They were both engaged and couldn't see Marci's face or they would have seen the pain emerge. Tyson and Mark were raised in the same home by the same father. These were the games Mark used to play with Eli. Memories of Mark galloping slowly along the carpet with Eli's pajama clad legs spread out across his back and the two of them rolling around the floor in a mock wrestling match swam through her thoughts. Like the pain that spreads slowly up your limb when you stub your toe, the pain of her loss spread slowly from the knot in her stomach to the black hole where her heart used to be. Eli was having the time of his life, but Marci was fighting back sobs.

  After they left Eli was too wound up to take a nap and Marci was too distraught to force it. She fed him lunch and sat him down with a book and some toys. As long as she was feeling so much pain she might as well relive all of the precious memories that she had been avoiding for fear of the pain. A part of her wanted desperately to relive their wedding day in her mind and a part of her knew it was a bad idea. She reached for the wedding album and the box of keepsakes and sat on the couch beside Eli.

  As s
he opened the album the carefree couple laughed up at her. She studied her favorites long and hard. One was of her with her back against a gnarled old tree. Mark had his hand on the tree behind her and he was leaning in looking down at her upturned face. They looked so much in love and so oblivious of the pain that love would later cause. Another favorite photo showed her looking down with her eyes gently closed. Mark was lightly placing a kiss on her forehead with a look of adoration and reverence. How could she ever have believed such happiness could last forever? Tears clouded her vision as she turned through pages of their families with Shari grinning ear to ear in her sparkling mother of the groom dress and Mark lifting Marci up with her dress cascading down around them. The last photo in the book was with the sunset in the background as they made their way toward the evening reception. With one arm around Marci’s shoulders, Mark's other arm did a fist pump of victory in the air. It seemed a life time ago now. Marci curled up on the couch and let the tears flow. Eli climbed up and squirmed his way into his mother's embrace, trying in his little toddler way to offer much needed comfort. He promptly fell asleep and she carried him into his crib.

  Marci heard the phone ring but she was retreating so much inside of herself by this point that she purposely ignored it. It seemed to her that no one else in the world existed. She felt alone and consumed with her own pain.

  As she rifled listlessly through the box of mementos she carefully laid aside a dried flower corsage, a faded garter and a cake service set with their names engraved on the handle. She ran her hand tenderly over the engraving, then set down. Her eyes landed on the sheet music of the song Mark had played and sang for her at their reception. It was an original funny little ditty about the two of them being literally stuck together forever. She smiled a slow shaky smile. She hadn't heard the tune in a year. Mark always played it and sang it to her on their anniversary. Without thinking it through clearly she walked over to the grand piano in the living room and lifted the lid. With one finger she plunked out the tune. Like a swarm the memories assaulted her and like the bees inside the swarm each memory brought a biting, stinging pain to her weary heart. She hadn't touched the piano in months, since the accident. The instrument they both loved was their bond, their gift to each other and countless expressions of love.

  She could so clearly see Mark smiling on the piano as he pounded out a show tune and sang along as she made dinner. Eli, bouncing up and down to the music as his daddy sang him “Bad bad Leroy Brown” complete with the piano run in the chorus. Mark's big hands played beautifully and he could pound out rock songs with the same skill he could gently caress the keys into a classical piece. Most of all, Marci missed the evenings when the two of them would sing together. They picked up library books of love songs from the 70's, swing songs from the 50's or duets from the great musicals. Both of them had strong voices, and strong piano skills. They could sing and play together for hours, often alternating the male and female parts of the duets until they doubled over in laughter. She had never dreamed marriage could be so much fun. Mark was her other half and like the puzzle that has only one match in the world she knew she'd never find another persona to fit her so completely.

  Marci ran her hands over the keys in a sad little melody and then as the pain began to grow inside of her so did the notes. She pounded the keys in frustration, hurt and anger. There was no melody and no tune, just pain and loneliness. There would never be another anniversary, never another love song or duet. There would never be another time to stand behind him and watch his fingers on the keys and listen to his clear baritone. It was all too much and Marci needed an escape. She wanted to run from the house and all of the memories but Eli was there sleeping. She wanted to jump off of a high mountain into a cloud bank and just cease existing. Her eyes fell on the purse she had dropped onto the couch earlier that day. She could clearly see the bottle of anti-anxiety medicine that Maddy had given her. That would offer relief. Just a little relief for a little while was all she needed. A break from the pain would be so nice. Without reading the dosage she opened the bottle and looked at the tiny pills. As the pain clouded her mind she wondered if maybe the relief didn't have to be so temporary after all.

  After missing his run on Todd's anniversary, Hershey was a ballistic missile of energy the next morning. Todd could just barely keep up with him as he pulled at the leash and ran with his tongue hanging out. After a quick shower and breakfast on the run Todd got to work early and started in on the problem he had left percolating the day before. He determined to work extra hard long hours today as the guilt for leaving his coworkers in a lurch the day before nagged at him. When he got involved in solving a problem he worked with single minded intensity, stopping only to grab a sandwich from the cafeteria while he studied some code. Most of his friends and family knew that about Todd and for that reason his phone rarely rung during office hours. If someone called it was usually important. That's why it was unusual when his phone rang a little before 5 that evening. Todd didn't recognize the number but took it anyway. The caller identified herself as Maddy Hutchins, and explained that she was a therapist working with his daughter in law Marci. Marci had missed her appointment that day with Maddy and hadn't answered her phone when Maddy called to check on her. Normally, the therapist would have let it go at that but she knew that this was Marci's wedding anniversary, the whole reason they had set up a counseling session for the day, and Maddy was concerned that something might be wrong.

  Warning bells sounded in Todd's mind. How could he have forgotten? Mark and Marci had chosen the day after his and Shari's wedding anniversary to exchange their vows. Shari had always thought it was touching and planned to spend anniversary getaways together in the coming years. Todd however could barely remember his own anniversary and this one had been so surprisingly traumatic that he had completely forgotten Marci and Mark's.

  He thanked the therapist, dropped what he was working on and headed out the door. For the second time in two days he found himself running for the truck in the parking lot. He speed dialed Marci and got no answer so he speed dialed Tyson. He picked up on the first ring.

  “Tyson, have you or Liz seen or heard from Marci today?” he asked.

  “Yeah, Liz remembered that it was their anniversary so she and the kids came and got me for lunch and we took a pizza over to her house and played with her and Eli for an hour or so. Why, is anything wrong?”

  Todd's heart rate began to return to normal. “Probably not, I just got a call from her therapist and Marci missed her counseling session today and she hasn't been able to get a hold of her. I think I'll swing by her house now and make sure everything is ok. I imagine the anniversary is harder on her than we bargained for. I know it threw me for a loop yesterday. I'll let you know after I visit with her.” Todd hung up and steered the truck towards Marci's house.

  As he drove, the nagging feeling that something was wrong returned. He chased it away, reminding himself that Tyson and Liz had seen her just a few hours earlier. Todd squeezed the steering wheel in frustration. He should have known after how hard the anniversary hit him that it would be worse for Marci. She was still so emotionally fragile. Tyson and Cami had lost a brother and their mother but it wasn't the same as losing a spouse. Todd should have been the one to see how potential devastating the anniversary could be. His pulse was racing and his emotions in overdrive again as he pulled into her driveway. He jumped out of the truck and pounded on the front door, realizing that if she was sitting in the living room he probably just scared her to death.

  No answer. He waited a minute and rung the doorbell repeatedly, shifting from foot to foot impatiently as he waited. He stepped over to the garage and peered into the tiny window at the top. Her car was sitting behind the door where it belonged. Fighting down panic he rounded the gate and headed for the back yard. Maybe they were outside playing. There was no sign of Marci or Eli and the lights in the house were left on. Suddenly, Todd knew with certainty there was a problem. The nagging impre
ssion when he'd spoken to her the night before and his own battle with the day confirmed his fears and he picked up a rock and broke a small glass window in the back door. He reached in, turned the lock and called out her name. He didn't want to terrify her if she had just been resting or listening to headphones or something.

  He did a quick check of the living room and kitchen and then heard a faint sound coming from the bedroom. He recognized the music as a song Mark had written on the piano for their wedding, and he started to run.

  He found Marci curled in the fetal position on the floor of their walk-in closet. She was wrapped in Mark's leather jacket and her iPod repeatedly played the love song over and over beside her. She was unconscious and he could detect only a faint pulse at the base of her throat. She couldn't have been unconscious for long because her cheeks were still damp with tears. He picked her up and carried her to the bed. When had she gotten so small and frail? Immediately he dialed 911 and asked for an ambulance to hurry. Panic started to set in as he thought about her dying. He mentally stopped the thoughts and concentrated on keeping his emotions under control. His voice was surprisingly calm as he spoke to the operator and told her what he had found.

  The operator dispatched an ambulance and then began to walk Todd through life saving techniques with Marci. He opened up her airways, checked her heart rate and pulse and then searched the area for what she might have taken.

  He found the anti-anxiety prescription medicine bottle for Zoloft on the floor. It was empty so he had no idea how many she had taken. He told the dispatcher and waited for further instructions. It seemed to him that Marci's breathing was getting more and more shallow. She hadn't stopped breathing so there was no reason to do CPR—yet. Todd sighed loudly when he heard the siren round the corner and hung up the phone. “Come on Marci, hang on. You can do this. Don't leave that little boy without a parent. Think of Eli Marci. Live for Eli.” And then the paramedics were there and they brushed him out of the way. He left them briefly to try and find Eli. By now it had to be about 6:00 in the evening. He checked Eli's room and sure enough there he was. He was sleeping soundly in his bed, oblivious to the noise and commotion around him. Todd speed dialed Tyson and Liz because they lived the closest and then Marci's family. He stayed with Eli until the others got there and then they all rode to the hospital together.

  A couple of hours later the whole group sat agitated in the waiting room. They hadn't heard a word from anyone since Marci had been taken back. Mentally, each of them tried to prepare themselves for the worst. Marci's mother cried quietly and each of the others sat contemplating what they should have seen or done differently. Tyson and Liz took it especially hard since they had spent the afternoon with Marci and should have seen her state of mind.

  After an eternity a doctor came out and asked for her family. Each of them filed into a corner of the room and waited to hear what he had to say.

  “Well, you arrived in time,” he started. “She's going to make it.” Marci's mother sobbed loudly and they could feel the cloud of relief descend on the little group.

  “She took an overdose of Zoloft, just as you suspected and we pumped it out of her stomach before it could do too much damage. Rarely do people die from an overdose of an anti-anxiety medication like Zoloft but it has been known to happen. She will be groggy, lethargic and unfocused for several days, but we are past the worst of the fear. Unfortunately, this was an intentional incident and the real danger lies in her desire to end her life. That's something you will have to deal with. Give her a few minutes to get oriented and then you can see her. Just a few of you at a time”

  They nodded numbly and collapsed into chairs in the waiting room. Only now, when she was past the danger did they feel safe in letting out a long, deep breath. Liz was the first to ask the question they all wanted answered. “Why would she do that? Why when she knew she had Eli to care for and she would leave him without a parent? I can't imagine her thought process.”

  Liz's question reminded Todd of his phone call from the therapist earlier in the day. He sat up quickly, realizing he hadn't ever called back to update her on the situation. It took only seconds to redial the number she had called from and the answering machine at her office gave a cell number for emergencies. He assumed this would be considered an emergency. He dialed the number and was surprised to hear the therapist answer on the 1st ring.

  He explained who he was and then thanked her, “If it hadn't been for your call, I'm not sure we would have realized there was anything wrong. It was literally a life saving call.”

  Maddy said a quick mental prayer of gratitude and added, “I'm so glad you got to her in time.”

  Todd hesitated and then asked the question they all wanted answered, “Umm, can I ask you something? Marci has always been very reasonable and rational. We can't figure out why she would do this when she knew she was the only parent Eli has left. She loves him so much. We just can't figure out how this happened, and more importantly, how to keep it from happening again.”

  Maddy was grateful for an opportunity to explain the dark side of depression to caring family and friends. “You're assuming Marci made a rational choice to end her life and leave Eli. With serious depression it's never that simple. She lost the ability to process consequences and could see and feel only the emotional pain she was suffering. It's almost like she had a single purpose to put an end to the consuming pain. Those left behind can't understand how the suicidal person could ever hurt them so much but what they don't realize is that it's not about anyone but them. With depression, your world gets smaller and smaller until only you exist. I saw it happening with Marci but when someone lives alone it's hard to predict when and how it will progress to suicide.”

  Todd was trying to process it enough to explain it to the others. “How should we handle things now? It's almost time for us to go in and see her for the first time since I found her.”

  Maddy was adamant and reassuring, “Don't skirt the issue or try to avoid it. Come right out and talk to her about it. She is weak now and needs you to be strong. Don't let her off the hook for this or try to make her feel better. She has to take responsibility if she is ever going to be empowered to make changes. She's going to need the strength of all of you combined.”

  Todd relayed the information to the rest of the group and sat down to rest. He put his head in his hands and shook it sadly. Sometimes it was just too hard to be the patriarch of a family. He was so tired and so out of ideas. His poor little family had been through so much. He wasn't sure they had anything left to fight with. He felt Tyson's strong hand on his shoulder and he looked up into understanding eyes.

  “It's alright dad. We can do this. Let's just handle it the way Mark would have. He was kind and caring but also honest and straight forward. This is Mark's family. We can't give up.”

  Tyson was right. Eli's tired little eyes hung heavily against Tyson's chest as he struggled to stay awake. This was Mark's family and even if there was no strength left, they had to dig a little deeper and find some.

  After Marci's parents came out of her room, Todd's family filed in to see her. Her eyes were closed and she looked like she was mentally preparing to face them. Todd leaned over to place a kiss on her forehead and Eli squealed, “Mommy, mommy,” and reached for his mother.

  Marci lifted her hands to her son, anxious for a distraction from the gaze of the others. She snuggled him down in the covers beside her and then looked up at the faces of the family who loved her. Her gaze was filled with guilt and anxiety.

  “I’m sorry,” her voice cracked on the words and she looked down and fumbled with the sheets.

  That was all it took. She was suddenly surrounded by hugs and kisses and hair stroking as each member sought to reassure her that she was loved and valued.

  “Oh Marci, please let us help you. We're so sorry we didn't see what was happening,” Liz offered.

  “It's not your fault. It's no one's fault. I just sort of gave up I think. I'm
so tired of trying too hard and failing so much. I meant to take a few pills to take away the overwhelming sadness and then suddenly it seemed like the only way to really take away the sadness was to take a lot of pills.”

  “Let's work on finding ways to help you take away the sadness. We love you Marci and we can't bear to lose you. Just help us know what we can do,” Liz was giving voice to the thoughts of the others.

  There were tears all around now and Marci's voice was weak and watery as she asked, “Do you think Mark can see me now?”

  Todd answered simply, “Yes, I think he's watching over you and Eli.”

  Then the toughest question from Marci, “Do you think he's disappointed in me?”

  Liz and Tyson looked down uncomfortably. They thought the answer was obvious but didn't want to supply it.

  Todd remembered the words of the therapist and mentally took a deep breath. His answer was compassionate but firm. “Marci, Mark loves you and he loves Eli. He would never want you to do anything to hurt yourself or Eli. This hurt you both. He would probably be pretty upset with you if he was here. I imagine he would read you the riot act and rip you a new one.”

  Liz and Tyson looked up to see how the news was received. Marci had a hint of a smile on her face. “You're right. He would. I can just see him pacing across the floor lecturing me and trying not to raise his voice while he scolded me.”

  Her comments brought chuckles from the others and a calm sense of family love settled over all of them. They had truly hit the bottom and it was time to begin healing, together, as a family.

  Eli threw a fit when they took him home but he got to spend the night with Kylee and Kenny so he settled down in the portable crib and slept fairly peacefully through the night.

  Marci was discharged mid day and she was tired, still a little groggy and fairly emotional. She spent the day resting and playing quietly with Eli while Liz and her sisters cleaned house, made a few freezer meals for the week and took care of Eli while she rested. At the end of the day Marci could tell they were reluctant to leave her alone.

  “It's ok you guys. I promise to be good. You can leave me alone, and get back to your families,” Marci smiled a tired smile as she said it.

  “Why don't I just spend the night in the guest room for one night, just in case you get tired or need something in the night?” Liz offered.

  “No, I think I want to be alone with Eli for awhile. But thank you anyway.”

  There was really nothing left for the women to do but leave her and Eli alone in the big master bed. They decided to call back in the morning and make sure everything was alright.

  Marci had an appointment with Maddy for the following day. There were definitely some things she needed to work out.

  After a restless night, Marci still felt wrung out and exhausted. She briefly considered canceling with Maddy again so she could spend the day just relaxing with Eli but she knew she was putting off the inevitable and she was a little afraid of this new aspect of her personality and knew she needed to explore it a little.

  Maddy jumped up from behind her desk and threw her arms around Marci as soon as she walked into the room. Marci smiled sheepishly. She was reassured how much Maddy cared for her.

  Maddy held her at arm’s length and looked her up and down. “How are you?”

  “Tired and a little disoriented but doing better. I think I’m still in a little bit of shock at my actions. I didn't really see it coming and I can't really believe I actually tried to kill myself. It's like it wasn't even really me. It's scary to me that I could do it again. I'm embarrassed, confused and even a little in denial I think. What's happening to me?” Marci sat down hard on the chair and didn't even try to be graceful.

  “Those are all natural reactions Marci. First of all, you're human. You make mistakes and bad choices sometimes. This was one of those times. You were feeling overwhelmed and you let it get the best of you. You know your weaknesses and your trigger points better now and that will enable you to be better prepared the next time they hit you out of the blue like that. Let me ask you a question Marci. “Do you want to die?”

  Marci only hesitated for a second. She knew the answer and she suspected that Maddy did too. “No, I don't. I don't want to leave Eli and I'm afraid of dying. But I think I'm also afraid of living.”

  “Living right now takes a whole lot more strength than dying Marci and you are a strong person. You've been in mourning now for over 6 months and everyone around you has tried to be encouraging and supportive. Now it's time for you to show us a little of that strength that Mark fell in love with all those years ago. It's time for you to stop doubting and start to rebuild your life. I'm sorry if you feel like I'm rushing you through the grieving process but your actions tell me that this isn't working for you. You need more of an active, aggressive approach to dealing with the loss. It's time for you to take back control of your emotions, your actions and your life.”

  The words were hard to hear but they rang true in Marci's heart. She knew she was merely existing and she was refusing to take any action or make any changes. She also knew that if nothing changes, nothing changes. This was no way to live and no way to raise a child. She just didn't know how to get past the roadblock of pain that paralyzed her.

  “I know,” Marci's head was still down. “It's just that I seem to be paralyzed about the future. How do I know what to do?”

  “Well, you are an organized, efficient person so let's make a list of all the things that you can do start rebuilding a life and then we'll narrow it down to one or two things at a time that you think you might be able to handle.” Maddy pulled out a notebook and pen and poised to write.

  Marci stared at her with no comment. After a few moments of silence, “Am I supposed to come up with ideas?”

  “Yes, you are. What do you enjoy doing that might bring you back some moments of happiness in your life? We can’t expect to jump right into happiness immediately but it is not too much to ask for a few moments once in a while. What has the ability to make you smile and feel good inside?”

  Marci paused. Every moment of happiness she could remember was centered on Mark and Eli. At least that's how it had seemed for the last several months. But as she reached back into her memories she could recall satisfaction and a sense of well-being and happiness from teaching piano. True, it could be frustrating and irksome with certain pupils but overall it brought a sense of accomplishment. “I like teaching piano,” she said finally.

  “Good. Now let's decide how to get started. Do you have a way to contact potential students?” Maddy asked.

  “Yes, I've been asked for some time when I'm going to start teaching again. I think with a few phone calls I could have a few students a week. I think I'll start with only those who really want to learn and get back slowly to teaching stubborn pupils. What should I do with Eli when I teach? Mark always watched him during that time?”

  “Well, you can arrange a play date with family or friends or you can look into a limited day care facility. You could teach during his nap time or hire a young girl to come in after school and play with him for a few hours.” Maddy was full of ideas.

  Marci realized that Maddy would keep prodding her along and coming up with solutions and suggestions. The list grew. It included travel, sewing, writing, reading, painting, yoga and occasional evenings out. Each item seemed impossible to manage until Maddy broke it down into simple steps and Marci picked a few possible ideas to try. She was feeling a little optimistic about doing something positive but also a little doubtful about her ability to actually produce any kind of forward momentum. The paralyzing fear reared its ugly head again, and she told Maddy about her inability to make any changes.

  “That's normal too Marci. You're used to having someone around to help make decisions and carry out changes and now you're reluctant to do so completely on your own. The first one will be the hardest, and from there it will get easier. The first step is always the most difficult.”

  �
�I can't imagine why I'm afraid, or what I'm afraid of. I've taught before and I know I can do it. All I know is that when I start to think about making changes of any kind I start to sweat and my heart races, almost like I'm having a panic attack,” the confusion showed in Marci's voice.

  “Let's focus on controlling our emotions a little shall we? When you start to have one of these panic attacks what is going through your mind?” Maddy asked.

  “All of the reasons I can't or all of the things that could go wrong,” Marci answered simply.

  “OK, here's what I want you to practice doing this week,” Maddy suggested. “Every time a negative thought enters your mind I want you to pause and press stop on your mental tape recorder. Don't listen to it. Don’t let it fester in your mind and don't let it take control of you. Just push stop and immediately try to replace it with positive, uplifting thoughts. Try encouraging moments of past success, expressions from friends and family and quotes of strength.” Maddy gave her a few examples.

  After practicing a few of her own and trying out the new idea of positive thought control Marci was gathering her belongings and preparing to leave.

  “There is one more thing I wanted to ask you about Marci.” Maddy stopped her. “What is your faith like?”

  “What do you mean?” Marci questioned.

  “I mean, do you have a faith that you turn to for strength and support? Are you religious? I find that at times of loss those who have some form of faith to hold on to weather the storm better than those who don't. You haven't mentioned anything about a church group, prayer or personal beliefs but I think you might benefit from finding a faith to anchor you as you try to make changes.”

  “Well, what faith should I chose?” Marci wanted to know.

  Maddy laughed, “I don't know. You're an intelligent, resourceful person. Study it out and do a little research and see if there is anything that appeals to you. You might find that it offers answers as well as comfort.”

  For the first time in a long time, Marci had a to-do list in her hands and she was determined to cross off every item on her list before she returned to visit with Maddy again. She picked up Eli at her sisters and took him home for lunch. After she laid him down for a nap she called an acquaintance she had worked with before.

  “Hi Mrs. Martin. This is Marci. I taught your daughter piano some time ago and I'm thinking about starting up again. If you know of any students who would be interested in taking lessons could you please pass my name on to them,” she queried.

  “Oh, I'm so pleased to hear you are teaching again. As a matter of fact, I would love to have my younger daughter start with you. I believe she has a cousin who would like to learn too. How many students are you willing to take on?” Mrs. Martin was thrilled.

  Marci hung up the phone with a feeling of accomplishment. That was easier than she had dared hope. Almost immediately, the fears and reasons she shouldn't try to teach started to slip into her mind.

  Before they could do any damage, Marci mentally pushed “stop” on them and replaced them with affirmations of encouragement. “You're a good teacher and you could do this with almost no mental effort. There is nothing to worry about. Eli will be better adjusted if he spends time with other kids for a few hours a week.” There was no sign of the panic attacks, no sweating, no racing heart and no overwhelming feelings of dread. Maybe she could make this work.

  Eli still had a lot of napping time left and Marci had a few minutes to herself so she sat down on the computer and began to research the beliefs of different religious organizations. She had loved studying religions in college and had always prided herself on her ability to thoroughly research a topic and come to logical conclusions. After comparing various beliefs she sat back and thought about what she wanted in a religion. The answer came almost without hesitation. She wanted to believe that Mark was in heaven and that they could one day be together again as a family. If a Christian religion offered no more than that she would embrace it. She pictured in her mind the beautiful place heaven must be, and a reunion with Mark in a place free from pain, suffering, death and hurt and the thought brought happiness from deep inside her soul. If there was a religion out there that taught of the heaven in her dreams she wanted to know about it, and she wanted to know as many details as possible about what it would be like. She felt just a little twinge of excitement at the prospect of searching for and finding what she was looking for.