A Decision Based On Love Read online

  Chapter 16

  Marci was working closely with Maddy, trying to gain control of the moments of overwhelming sadness that had caused the attempt to take her life. She was learning the power she had over her own thoughts and where those thoughts led. Every day she felt a little stronger and a little more in control. The episodes of acute sadness came less and less often and now when they did she could recognize them seeping into her conscious and weed them out systematically. Maddy had taught her to push “stop” on the feelings when they started getting out of control and instead play positive messages. While Marci had been skeptical at first, she was realizing the value of the mind exercise. She would allow warm memories of Mark, but when the memories started to turn to anger or hopelessness it was time to push the “stop” button and get control again. Someday she may be able to feel those emotions as she remembered but right now she knew where they could lead and she wasn't ready to take a chance.

  Marci found that when she woke in the morning and faced the mirror it helped to remind herself of the good things in her life and the great things she still had left to accomplish. The mantra she recited was often the same but it lifted her up and gave her strength to face the day and the many days ahead.

  She would smile at her reflection and say, “Good morning gorgeous, “which usually made her smile at least a little because her morning hair and face made it difficult to believe. Marci was working on being gorgeous on the inside, a happy, fulfilled woman who could help others find joy in their own lives. She had to believe every day that she was a beautiful person. So the mantra started with “Good morning gorgeous,” and then she went on to remind herself of why she was a gorgeous woman. It may sound boastful and proud, but Marci knew that her self worth was at rock bottom and she needed all the help she could get. Maddy had helped her realize that waiting around for someone else to validate you was a path to sure disappointment. A strong woman validates herself, and sometimes she starts every day with that validation.

  So the morning went something like this “Good morning Gorgeous. You are a strong, capable woman who can change the world. You are talented, resourceful and you have a great capacity for loving. You love life and today you will laugh out loud, count your blessings and hug your little Captain America dozens of times. Life is good, and you are awesome.” Sometimes she had to repeat the gorgeous and awesome parts a few times but it almost always made a difference to her day. By the time she got showered and dressed she was ready to tackle the day.

  Maddy also suggested that Marci write down some of the things in her life that made her happy. She should look at the list often as a way to remember what she had to be grateful for. At first Marci wrote a few things in a little notebook but she rarely took time during the day to see them again. One day as she was preparing dinner at the stove, Eli was playing beside her. Suddenly she realized he had been quiet for a full 5 minutes and that generally meant he was trying to sneak by with something he knew he shouldn't be doing. Sure enough, when she located him crouched down on the other side of the island he had a marker and he was “writing” on the pantry door. She took the marker away and gave him a brillo pad and some water to scrub off the vandalism. Though he scrubbed hard, the permanent marker was on for good and Marci sighed as she realized it would probably take several coats of paint to remove the bright red marks. As she stirred a thought popped into her head. Why not use the pantry door to write down some of the things that made her happy. Eli had already added his. Instead of erasing his, maybe she could add her own. She would see them on her many daily trips to the kitchen and maybe they would remind her of the things she had to be grateful for. Eli stood in shock as she took the red marker off of the counter and added her own writing to the pantry door. She wrote down a few things, in small letters at about eye level and sat back to read them. Yep, they made her smile. She would try to add a few every day and if someone else came over and wanted to add to her door their own thoughts she would gladly hand over a pen. It would undoubtedly help to read what made others happy too.

  Piano lessons were a great source of joy for her day. She had been surprised by how much it meant to her to help another child learn to play and love the piano. One of her students was particularly quick to catch on and her mother claimed she almost never had to pressure the child to practice. It was something she enjoyed doing. That's all it took to really master the lessons quickly and little Aimee was mastering everything Marci threw at her. She loved to play and her happy little fingers danced across the keyboard. Her cousin however, struggled. She wanted to learn to play but she also wanted to be outside riding her bicycle so her mind often wandered and she continually chose other activities over practice. Dylan was a delightful little girl though and Marci genuinely enjoyed teaching both of them. She spent hours during the day thinking up fun games and activities to make the music lessons more enjoyable and her efforts were often appreciated. Eli spent the time playing with a neighborhood family that had several small children and he seemed to enjoy the play dates as much as Marci enjoyed the time with the girls.

  She also got out more. She met friends with their children at the park, or at McDonalds and they scheduled zoo trips and outings to the Arizona Science Center. Eli loved the outings and Marci found herself looking forward to casual visits with her friends. She had weeded out the friends that whined about how hard their lives were and those who constantly complained about their “lame” husbands. It was particularly difficult for Marci to listen to a woman tear down her husband for all of his inadequacies to her friends. Instead, she gravitated towards women who enjoyed life and their families and tried to juggle everything. Several of them worked at least part time and Marci enjoyed hearing about their jobs, their school experiences with older kids and their constant attempts to lose the baby weight they still carried.

  Eli spent one day a week at his cousins' house and at first Marci used the time to run errands, shop and get things done without having to drag him along. As time wore on she started to substitute errands for little things she enjoyed. She spent time at the mall, getting a pedicure or a massage, or just walking through one of the cities lovely parks. She rationalized that it didn't hurt Eli at all to have to run errands during the day with her. He actually seemed to enjoy being around people as they visited the post office, bank and grocery store. He was learning to talk and he often repeated words and phrases he heard, which only really irritated Marci when she had scolded him and he repeated the scolding with a perfect imitation of her tone.

  As the weather turned into another blistering Phoenix summer Marci and Eli left right after breakfast on Saturday mornings to shop at the open air farmers market. The food was fresh and the prices competitive. The large market even had shopping carts to keep Eli contained while Marci gathered fresh fruit and vegetables.

  On one particular Saturday Marci had her back turned to Eli while she was squeezing tomatoes when she suddenly heard his loud, clear voice sing out, “Good morning Gorgeous.”

  Marci smiled, only slightly embarrassed, until she turned around and saw the smile that reached clear up into the eyes of the handsome recipient of Eli's greeting.

  A flustered Marci started to apologize, “I'm sorry, he didn't mean that.”

  The stranger's eyebrow rose questioningly.

  “No, I didn't mean that you're not gorgeous, obviously you are... I mean...um. Sorry.” By now Marci was red faced and the stranger's booming laugh wasn't helping anything. She started to wheel the cart away with or without the tomatoes when he reached out and touched the handle.

  “Don't be sorry. You have no idea how long it's been since someone started my day on such a positive note. I'll be smiling for the better part of the day,” the man reached out and ruffled Eli's blond curls. He seemed as kind as he was handsome.

  Marci wasn't comfortable talking to a man in the market so she smiled sheepishly and hurriedly pushed her cart in the other direction. Eli peered over her shoulder and shouted at his new friend
, “You are awesome.” This time even Marci smiled as she heard the deep chuckle that followed.

  Eli was a quick study. It didn't take him long to realize the rise he got out of people with his newly acquired phrase. His mom seemed especially reactive to this particular phrase and Eli had just enough little boy in him to love anything that rattled his mom.

  Everywhere they went Eli greeted people with “Good morning Gorgeous.” and often told perfect strangers, “you are awesome.” Marci had no idea Eli had been listening to her morning mantras and at first was horrified that everyone would realize she sat in front of the mirror every morning repeating the phrases. When she saw the reaction on the faces of strangers however, she had to acknowledge the positive effect her little boy had on everyone. The sourest faces lit up. Full grown men laughed out loud, and teenagers giggled hysterically, Eli was completely without discretion. Everyone he met was gorgeous and awesome. Even the perpetual grump at the post office, who yelled at everyone, smiled at Eli. By the time Marci and Eli left everyone in the long line was grinning. Marci had learned to quit apologizing. She just smiled and shrugged her shoulders.

  Even in the car, with the windows down he would wave from his car seat in the back of the Accord at stop signs and greet other drivers with, “Good morning gorgeous.” He seemed to love watching their spontaneous grins. Before long Marci was smiling at her infectious son too. One particular episode that had a powerful effect on Marci happened at the local grocery store when Marci stopped by to pick up some diapers. Eli wasn't in a cart because she just had a few items to grab so she was holding his hand as she walked up to the cashier. She let go of his hand to get her wallet out of her purse and Eli immediately darted a few feet away to where an elderly woman sat on the chair at the front of the store. Marci called to him but he ignored her so she kept a close eye on him as she paid. Obviously the elderly woman he approached was too frail and tired to accompany whoever was finishing her shopping for her. She was slumped in her seat with her head down and a scarf tied over her hair. Her face was lined, sad and lonely. Eli hurried up to her and instantly reached for her face. He placed both chubby little hands on the sides of her cheeks and she looked up at his cherubic face.

  “Good Morning Gorgeous. You are awesome,” he said directly into her eyes. The lines of her face softened and her smile was full, generous, and filled with joy. Tears gathered in her eyes and she took his fat little hands in hers and said something quiet in return. Marci watched the tender scene in awe. Even the cashier, who witnessed it, was stunned, “I've never seen anything like that. Did you teach him to do that?”

  Marci could take no credit. That was all Eli, and maybe a little bit of Mark. The cashier shook her head in wonder and the elderly woman waved happily as Eli ran back to his mother and they walked hand in hand out of the store.

  On the way home Marci was singing along with an oldies station on the radio. It was only on the second chorus as she sang “ooh honey, you are my candy girl, and you got me wanting you,” that she realized this was the first time since the accident that she had felt like singing.

  The only time Marci tried to squelch Eli's enthusiastic greeting was while they were attending various church services. Marci had spent a great deal of time learning about the beliefs of various denominations but decided to really get to know if they practiced what they preached by attending their Sunday services. After all, if she was going to embrace a religion, she better plan to start attending Sunday services.

  She and Eli attended together and she learned right away that she favored the congregations where children sat with their parents and weren't shuffled off into another room. Yes, the services were noisier but this whole quest for faith was about family and she wasn't comfortable finding it without Eli by her side. Most of the time he sat reverently and colored pictures while she listened. He seemed to like the singing and all of the beautiful ambiance in the buildings. Marci read their literature, she visited with pastors, ministers and missionaries and started to make notes about what she liked and disliked. She left some services with a distinct positive feeling and others without it, but all of the different denominations encouraged her to pray.

  After reading and rereading literature about several different religious affiliations, Marci pondered what she read while she put Eli to bed. She was actually nervous about trying to pray. Not only did it feel odd to talk to an empty room, she was a little unsure about praying to a God she had spent the last several months angry with. If there was one thing she had discovered in her study of religions it was that people of faith believed that their faith helped them get through things like this. Marci knew she needed all the help she could get.

  She didn't know any memorized prayers and would have felt silly repeating them anyway so she tried merely talking to God. She didn't know if that was considered appropriate praying or not but it was as far as she was currently willing to go. At first it felt awkward and unnatural but as she poured out the things in her heart and what she was feeling it began to come more comfortably to her. She expressed concerns about her parenting inadequacies, her frustrations with her inability to heal, and her quest to find out what heaven was like. She didn't really expect answers to her questions but if she was perfectly honest she had to admit that after several minutes she did feel a little better. Lighter somehow and just slightly more positive.

  “Hmm,” she mused, “maybe that's what faith does for you. At any rate, at some point I'll have to stop paying Maddy to listen to me talk, maybe by then I'll be comfortable enough to substitute pouring out my heart in prayer. It would be a whole lot cheaper.” She chuckled at her own wit, and then sobered, not sure God would appreciate it.