A Decision Based On Love Read online

  Chapter 19

  Marci was trying very hard to increase her social life and make new friends. When she visited churches with Eli she tried to be friendly and outgoing as she met new people and tentatively set up play dates with their children. Eli was busy making friends everywhere they went and he loved his new found popularity. Marci let her life and her heart revolve around Eli as she tried to fill it so full of love for Eli there wasn't room for any of the pain left behind from Mark's loss. The little boy kept her on her toes and he seemed to have completely lost any inhibitions about being around strangers.

  Marci still went to the farmers market every Saturday morning, and one Saturday she woke with a sense of excited anticipation. She diligently avoided any analysis of her feelings as she carefully brushed her hair and applied her makeup. She picked out a pair of skinny jeans that showed off her curves and a light, airy chiffon blouse in a pale yellow that complimented her coloring. Still, she avoided any consideration of her actions. She bundled Eli into the car seat and headed to the market. She told herself repeatedly she wasn't going to look around, but she couldn't help it. She glanced quickly around the store and spotted him almost immediately; the man with the booming laugh who Eli had referred to as “gorgeous”. She'd seen him there every Saturday since then and he always made his way over to greet Eli and start a conversation with Marci. At first she was flustered and she answered his questions briefly without follow-up, but a fragile friendship had formed as they exchanged pleasantries in the produce week after week. Now Marci found herself looking forward to their Saturday morning conversations. She wasn't sure where it was headed or where she wanted it to go, but for the moment it was nice to have something to look forward too.

  She tried to pretend she wasn't paying attention to him, but she knew exactly where in the market he was every minute. Suddenly he peeked from behind Marci's head at Eli in the shopping cart and pretended to pull a banana from out of her ear. Eli roared with laughter and clapped his hands.

  “Hi Eli and Marci,” he smiled broadly as he greeted them. “How was your week?”

  “Good”, Marci hesitated then qualified “If you count 4 episodes in the time out chair and complete failure at potty training as good.”

  “Only four time outs in a whole week? That sounds good to me. I think I had more than that at work this week,” he looked at her guiltily.

  Marci laughed, “Besides the time out's how was your week Eddie?”

  “Good,” he answered a little distractedly, then his handsome cheeks colored a little and he stammered, “Um, I noticed that you usually shop for only one and ½. Does that mean there isn't a man in your life?” He let out a deep breath like he had been holding it for quite awhile.

  Marci was trying to figure out how she wanted to answer when Eli piped up, “Daddy died, a building fell on him.”

  Eddie looked from the little boy to Marci questioningly. Marci nodded and looked away. She silently cursed the tears that instantly sprang into her eyes.

  “I'm sorry,”

  Marci could tell his words were sincere. “It's been nearly a year. I'm not sure why I'm suddenly so weepy,” she tried to hide her embarrassment.

  “That's ok, when someone loves deeply there is always sorrow at separation,” Eddie sounded like he knew what he was talking about. “I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable. I'm not sure if you're ready but when you are available I would like to take you and Eli to dinner sometime. I'll give you my email address and if you'd like to contact me you'll be able to.”

  The awkwardness of the moment was gone and Marci found herself wondering more about this man with the easy laugh and the understanding smile.

  “Maybe I could email you and we could get to know a little more about each other while I figure things out?” Marci asked with a hint of hope in her voice.

  “That sounds good to me,” Eddie's voice was a mixture of pleasure and relief. “If I don't hear from you this week, I'll see you next Saturday.” Marci was pretty sure he was trying to make sure she felt no pressure.

  Eli waved and blew kisses as Eddie made his way to the front of the market.

  Marci made her way home and put the produce away silently. “Was she really ready for this? Would she ever be? What would Mark think? What would his family say? Could she ever find another man really attractive after Mark? If she allowed herself to fall for someone else, would it minimize the love she had for Mark?” Her mind swam with the questions. It was all too much too soon and Marci sat down on the edge of the couch and began to cry. It was as if her life was changing and she was saying goodbye to a past she wasn't ready to give up. A part of her wanted to move on, past the pain, but she instinctively knew that once she did her love for Mark would never be the same.

  The ringing cell phone jarred her out of her musings and she heard the voice of one of her piano student's mother.

  “Hi Marci, It's Marion, Aimee's mom. I had something I wanted to discuss with you. I'm on the board at Aimee's school and they have lost their music teacher. They are looking for a replacement. I’m not sure if it's anything you would ever be interested in but I think you're wonderful with the girls and you would be so good with all of the kids in the school. It's a part time teaching position just until noon every day. The music program is such an important part of the curriculum, don't you agree?”

  “Um, yes.” Marci wasn't exactly sure what she was agreeing too. “That's very flattering Marion, but I'm not sure I want to leave Eli even for a few hours a day yet. Let me think about it and I'll give you a call back.”

  Her first reaction was to panic but she remembered her pep talk and she calmed herself down with words of affirmation and encouragement. Mark had left her financially well off, so she didn't need the job, but she knew that the time would come when she would want to work outside of her home. This sounded like an ideal opportunity to start slowly doing something she loved. Maybe being around other adults and kids every day would be the balm she needed.

  She stood up and walked to the fridge, then opened it and closed it again and walked back to the couch. She sat down then stood up and walked the same route again. By the third lap she realized she was pacing, while her thoughts raced. She told herself to calm down and weigh the pros and cons. She was halfway through the list of cons when she found herself justifying each objection to working. She'd been learning to listen to her heart and right now it seemed to be encouraging her to give this a try. Marci mulled it over for a few more days and then gave Aimee's mom a call.

  Just like that she was working part time as a music teacher for a nearby elementary school.

  Marci was more nervous than all of her students combined on her first day of school. Eli had bounced out of the car on the way to his first day of daycare which helped ease her anxiety. She knew his excitement wouldn't last but it made the first few days easier. She had gone through her mantra in the mirror this morning but even with the added encouragement, her confidence was shaky.

  Marci kept telling herself as she prepared her lesson that it was only a half day, they were only children and she could handle this. When she heard the first class coming into the music room she almost hyperventilated but she took a deep calming breath, pasted a smile onto her face and stepped forward to welcome them.

  Fortunately, Marci's week began with the 2nd graders. They weren't as unruly as the 1st graders and they weren't as gratingly cool as the 6th graders. She would have one or two days a week with each grade and about 50 minutes with each class in that grade. 5th and 6th were combined. The 2nd graders were excited about everything having to do with musical instruments and singing and dancing. The structure didn't go quite as planned because their attention spans weren't quite what she had anticipated, but before things could go downhill Marci put on some music and just let them dance. They loved it and it helped to work out a little excess energy. Each class period went a little better as she learned from the previous children and by lunch time when she went to pick
up Eli she felt pretty good about her day. Of course she hadn't dealt with the 5th and 6th graders yet. In her mind she was planning musical performances, skits and tiny marching bands. She hadn't felt so excited about anything in a long time. She loved music and if she could transfer some of that love to the children then she would feel like she had made a difference.

  Eli had a marginally successful day at day care. He loved his new friends and all of the new toys and projects to do but he had bullied several others to get what he wanted. Marci was a little surprised but glad to see this aspect of his personality so early so she could figure out how to deal with it.

  Late that night, after she prepared her lesson for the next day, tucked Eli into bed and fixed a drink she was feeling confident and relaxed. Now would be the best time to try sending an email to Eddie. If it felt too uncomfortable or awkward to write it, she just wouldn't send it. She pulled out her laptop and started to type.

  “Hi Eddie, it's Marci from the farmers' market. I thought I might say hi and see how your day went. I started teaching music at the elementary school today and all things considered it went pretty well. Eli terrorized the day care but we're working through that. How was your day?” Marci

  She had debated about how to end it, but decided against anything more familiar or formal than just her name. She re-read it 10 times, looked for subtle messages in each line and waited nearly 2 hours before she finally decided to send it. She went to bed wondering how Mark would feel about her new friendship with Eddie. She'd thought a lot about it and while she knew Mark loved her, she also knew he wouldn't expect her to be alone for the rest of a very long life. Would he understand? She didn't know but laying alone in the dark pondering it didn't seem to be helping much so she wrapped a pillow around her head and willed herself to think of something else.

  The morning was hectic getting Eli dressed, fed and out the door in time for her to get to school but she knew that a routine would make it easier. The 3rd graders were as delightful to teach as the 2nd graders had been, but they were a little more critical of each other and a little more concerned about looking good in front of their friends. Rather than have them dance at the end she gave them each an instrument and played some music encouraging them to try and pick up the beat and follow along. Some were natural, other's she helped.

  The report from day care was not pretty. Eli had clubbed someone with a foam bat for not being his friend. After lunch and nap time they had a very serious talk about being nice and Eli promised to try harder.

  By the time Marci was preparing dinner she had walked by the closed lap top a dozen times and purposely ignored it each time. She really didn't care very much if Eddie had responded yet. After all, he might not check his email every night. Besides he was probably still at work and hadn't had time or inclination to respond yet. It definitely wasn't something she was going to worry about. By the time she put Eli to bed she gave up the ruse. She did care. She was dying to know if he responded. She didn't want to think about why she cared so much but she did.

  She opened the laptop, took a deep breath and signed on to her email account. It was there. A response from Eddie. She opened it up and read it quickly once, and then slowly twice more, making sure she hadn't missed anything important.

  “Hi Marci, Glad to hear from you. My admiration on teaching music to elementary school kids. I find them a little intimidating. Good day at the office. We're working on a merger for two companies and I find I'm pacifying CEO's as much as crunching the numbers. Maybe our jobs are not so different. :) If you think a little incentive would help Eli's adjustment to daycare you are welcome to offer him a ride on one of my horses at the ranch if he can behave. I've got a little Shetland pony that would be just about the right size for him I think. Good luck with the older kids this week. I look forward to hearing how things go.” Eddie

  Marci sighed. That wasn't too threatening. He was just a friend and it was good to have friends. Especially friends who had their own ranch. That might be just the incentive that Eli needed.

  Marci waited until Thursday and then wrote back. She told him about the 1st and 4th grade music classes and how rambunctious the younger kids had been. It couldn't quite be labeled disastrous but only because no one actually got hurt when they were running around ignoring everything she tried to do. She would have to develop a firmer hand and work on her “mean” voice. She also told him she would love to bring Eli to see his ranch sometime and she agreed that would probably work as a behavior incentive.

  Eddie responded Friday night with a light invitation for her to try her “mean” voice on him and he would let her know how intimidating it was. He also reminded her that Eli was a great kid and his bullying was probably just the leadership qualities in him trying to figure out how to come out. Eddie made Marci laugh and smile and she found herself looking forward to each evening to see what he had to say. On Friday night he ended by telling her he was looking forward to seeing her and Eli at the market on Saturday. Marci felt a little bubble of excitement in her stomach as she went to bed that night too.

  When they met at the farmers market on Saturday morning, they tried to pretend it was casual but it was obvious to both of them that their relationship had changed. They spoke and laughed as they walked through the market, but when he smiled down at her she had to look away from the intensity of his gaze. When she giggled at something he said she was appalled. Giggled? Who giggled when they were her age?

  When Eddie walked them to their car he asked her if she had decided about a visit to the ranch.

  “Let's wait and see how this week goes at daycare,” she answered. “I'll keep you filled in. If that's ok?”

  Eddie knew she was trying to be bold and it was difficult for her, but he also felt like she really liked him. If he could just remember to slow down and let her move at her own pace. “Ok, I look forward to hearing from you.”

  Eddie was on her mind as she and Eli dressed for church the next day. She found she liked the idea of spending part of one day a week in worship. There was no doubt in her mind that her efforts to find faith had somehow increased the peace in her life. She assumed it would be a lifetime of effort but it felt good to sing the hymns of praise, to hear other people's stories and to be in the beautiful buildings. After church she usually went to visit Todd, Tyson's family or her own. Eli loved being around his grandpa, Hershey and his cousins. There were times when Marci felt like this might be enough, but other times when she remembered the companionship she and Mark had shared that she knew it probably wouldn't.

  The next week flew by and she felt like she was drinking from a fire hose as her learning curve on children took off. The mornings were filled with school and the children and the afternoons with Eli and his new found interests. Always one to repeat the things he heard, Eli managed to repeat a colorful word from daycare on only his 2nd week there. Marci was appalled. Who used that word in daycare? Cautious not to over react, though her ears were burning, Marci sternly warned, “Eli that is not an appropriate word. You are not allowed to ever say that word.”

  When she told Eddie that night in an email, he thought it was hilarious. Email's now usually bounced back and forth in the evening as they both wrapped up their days. It was almost like chatting as they asked and answered questions. She told him about her frustrations with the 5th and 6th graders criticizing each other constantly in an effort to boost their own fragile egos and he told her about the delicate balance of deciding who to keep and who to let go in a merger. It seemed to help them both work things out to be able to talk about it at the end of the day. By Wednesday, Eli's behavior at daycare hadn't improved so that night Marci asked Eddie if she might be able to throw out the ranch incentive. She was a desperate woman. Eddie loved the idea and worked his schedule around a possible Saturday afternoon outing.

  Marci made the offer to Eli on Thursday morning. “If you get a gold star for behavior on both Thursday and Friday then Eddie has invited you to come and see his ranch on
Saturday. He says he has a horse you may get to ride on too.” Eli was beyond thrilled. He couldn't sit still in the car seat, talking non-stop about his horsey. Marci took a minute to visit with the day care director and ask her to remind Eli about the ranch trip when his behavior began to deteriorate.

  Marci was feeling pretty good about her parenting at this point so she decided to take a good hard look at how to control her music classroom a little better. She knew if the kids started out in control it would be down hill for the rest of the semester. Positive incentives had worked for Eli so she decided to try that on her 5th and 6th graders on Friday. She sat them down at the beginning of class and said, “I don't like the way you are talking to each other and treating each other in my class. Music needs to be an environment where everyone feels safe to try new things. Criticism and belittling have no place in this music classroom. If I have any problem with it, I'll ask you to leave the room. If however, you can treat each other nicely, I'll bring in a set of steel drums a Jamaican friend of mine gave me years ago and teach you to play them. How does that sound?”

  The whooping and hollering indicated a positive response. Marci ended the week on a high and found herself looking forward to seeing Eddie on the weekend. When they met at the farmer's market, Eddie was in good spirits. Marci was anxious to see his ranch and how he lived. Eli was a tornado of energy. He was riding his pretend horse when he knocked over a row of cans and he was lassoing a cow when he banged into someone's shopping cart. He asked Eddie a million questions about the ranch and Eddie could barely get one answer out before the next one flew at him.

  By the time they drove out to the ranch Eli was a ticking time bomb of anticipation. They decided to work off some of that energy before he got around any of the animals. They walked to the creek and threw rocks in, then played on the rope swing and finally climbed all over the tractor. When Eli had calmed down enough to go meet the horses, Eddie produced a few apples from his pocket. He gave one to Eli and as Eli presented it to the pony an immediate friendship was forged.

  They had a picnic in the shade of a peach tree, led Eli and the pony around with a rope and had a grand tour of the ranch. By the end of the afternoon, Eli was exhausted and Marci was calmed by the peacefulness of the surroundings. “Eddie, this is a beautiful place. How did you ever decide to purchase a ranch?”

  “Well, I was making good money and wanted to invest in something. I grew up on a ranch and loved the way I felt around animals and growing things. I actually just started with a bunch of land. When you spend all of your weekends working on it, things grow pretty fast. I keep coming up with new ideas to add and plans for the future.”

  “I've never asked you about women in your life. Have you ever married?”

  Marci was a little uncomfortable asking the question.

  “No, I've been close a few times but things just never worked out right.”

  “You're still young. You've got at least a few good years left,” she smiled as she teased him. She tried to keep the conversation light, but as his arm brushed against hers when they walked, the air was heavy with awareness.

  “Marci, you know I love to have you and Eli come out to visit anytime but I'd like to see you alone sometime too. I want to take you out to dinner,” Eddie looked at her questioningly.

  “I think I'd like that too Eddie, but I'm still working through some things. Can I have this week to prepare for it?” Her eyes were uncertain.

  “Sure, the anticipation will be good for me,” he said it without much conviction.

  Eli of course threw a Herculean fit when it was time to go home. The excitement plus total exhaustion at naptime put him over the edge. Marci was having a hard time getting him into the car seat as he arched his body. She was embarrassed and frustrated with Eli when Eddie popped his head into the car. “Hey cowboy if you give your mom a hard time she won't let you come out to see me again, and next time I was going to show you how to milk a goat.” That got his attention. He settled right down and in minutes his heavy eyes were closing.

  Marci stepped back from the car and turned to thank Eddie. It seemed too formal to shake his hand so she tentatively reached in to hug him lightly in farewell. Her arms went low around his waist and his arms went high and she fit perfectly against his chest. It felt so good to hug a man again. His masculine scent and warm muscles against her cheek flooded her with longing. She stayed there just a moment too long, and felt his heartbeat quicken. “Thanks for a wonderful day Eddie. I'll see you soon.” Her own heartbeat was hammering in her chest.

  The next week flew by. She was in control of her classes for the most part and Eli only needed to be reminded of milking the goats to keep his behavior in check. She talked to Eddie every night and Saturday while they milked the goats she told Eddie she was ready to go out to dinner. He squirted her with milk to show how pleased he was. She gave him her address and he told her what time he'd pick her up.

  Marci called Liz when she got home. “Hey Liz, I need to ask you something. Do you think Tyson and Todd will be upset if I go on a date?”

  “Oh Marci, have you found someone you want to go out with?” Liz was anxious.

  “Well, I think so, but it could easily move too fast and I want to make sure I'm ready to do this before I start anything.”

  “It's been almost a year Marci. I think everyone expects you to date again sometime. Don't worry. No one will ever question your love for Mark or your devotion to him. You shouldn't have to prove your love by being miserable and lonely for the next 60 years. Tyson and Todd love you and they want you to be happy, but if you'd like I'd be happy to tell them for you.”

  “Thank you so much Liz. You're a good friend. Oh, can you recommend a good babysitter?” Marci's voice carried the relief she felt.

  Marci was as skittish as a feral cat by the time Eddie picked her up at 7. She had changed clothes 6 times, shoes 4 times and redone her makeup twice. She picked up the phone to cancel once and paced the house waiting for the babysitter.

  First dates were awful and this one was especially stressful. She had very few friends and she really didn't want to lose Eddie's friendship but she wasn't at all sure she was comfortable with going out to dinner. What in the world would she do if he tried to kiss her? She’d probably hyperventilate and have to breathe into a paper bag. She smiled at her next thought. Maybe she'd become the aggressor, after a year of no physical affection, and scare him off. She was a mess. She didn't even know what she wanted.

  When Eddie knocked on the door she visibly jumped. When he lightly touched her back on the way to the car she flinched as if she'd been scalded. While he went around to his side of the car she took deep calming breaths and told herself to get it together.

  Eddie could tell she was nervous and reminded himself to take it slowly. He took her to a nice restaurant in Scottsdale and they talked about their week. He asked her about Mark and she talked easily to him about her husband and what a great man he was. She told him briefly about the day he and his mother died and the circumstances surrounding their death, and Eddie was more than a little stunned. “You mean each of her son's had to make a choice and one chose to leave and one chose to stay with her?” Marci nodded. “Oh my gosh,” Eddie continued, “I can't imagine a more wrenching decision. I'm not sure a man could live with either one. What a hero Mark must be to all of you. I understand now why you've had such a hard time with me. You need to know Marci that no man could ever try to replace Mark. He deserves your love and admiration forever, but I think it's possible you have enough love to give someone else too.

  Marci felt in her heart that he was right. She changed the subject to a lighter topic and they spent a nice quiet evening together. After dessert they drove up the road to watch the fireworks at one of the resorts in Carefree and when she shivered in the evening breeze he put an arm lightly around her shoulders. She didn't pull away.

  When he dropped her off he didn't try to kiss her though he held onto the hug for a long time
. She could see in his expression that he was hungry to kiss her goodnight but he wanted to give her time. She might have been a little relieved not to have to deal with the emotions of a kiss from another man, but if she was honest she'd admit she was a little more disappointed than relieved.