A Decision Based On Love Read online

  Chapter 21

  A few months prior to Shari's upcoming birthday, Todd had called all of the kids and asked them to help him get through the day by taking a little memorial hike up to Shari's favorite mountain with him in the early morning hours of the day. Almost a full year had passed and it had been the most excruciating year of any of their lives. Todd hoped that after all of the pain and guilt and sorrow this would mark the beginning of an opportunity to move onto the next chapters of their lives. Each of the kids accepted the invitation whole heartedly and planned their schedules months in advance to be there with their father and Marci on the one year anniversary of the earthquake that altered their lives forever.

  In the days leading up to Shari's birthday Todd began to forget things at work. He didn't sleep well at night and during the day he was edgy and temperamental. It was almost as if this day would be a final memorial and he would have to acknowledge that the mourning period had passed and he was expected to move on. The idea left a knot in his stomach. He paced the kitchen floor at night, trying to figure out what was wrong with him. He debated canceling the hike, but in his heart he felt like it was important. He hadn't climbed that particular mountain since that day with Shari and he knew the memories would be raw.

  Shari's birthday dawned clear and bright, as it usually did in Phoenix. Shari had often commented on how fortunate she was to have a birthday in the most beautiful month of the year in Phoenix. She could be outside all day and enjoy every minute of it. On this day, the temperature was in the early 70's and not a cloud marred the cornflower blue sky.

  Tyson woke up early, before the sun rose. He had slept restlessly and as he lay beside his sleeping wife he stacked his hands behind his head and stared into the darkness. He projected calm and confidence in his life once again but in the secret recess of his soul he often still questioned his actions that day a year ago. Not a day went by that he didn't think about his brother and his mom and the hole their loss left in his life. He had quit replaying the scene from the stairwell many months ago, but love for those two ran deep in his heart and it was hard to move past the experience entirely. When he looked into Kylee's tiny little face, so full of trust and worship he wondered as she grew and better understood the story, how she'd feel about her father, especially during those often tumultuous teenage years. He wondered if she'd remember her grandmother at all.

  He leaned over and woke his wife with a kiss on the forehead. She opened her sleepy eyes and smiled at him. She knew he'd been looking forward to and dreading this day for quite some time and she read the insecurity in his eyes. Liz wrapped her arms around him and slowly began to stroke the muscles of his upper back. She reigned tiny kisses on his face and watch the doubt fade from his face.

  “Honey, do you think you can get Kenny in the backpack and put Kylee in the car and meet me at the mountain? I think I'd like to go up a little early and spend a few minutes there by myself.” Tyson tentatively asked the question.

  “Sure sweetheart. I can even get the two of them to the top if you want to just wait there for us. North isn't that high of a climb and Kylee is a tough little bugger. She can make it and I'll have Kenny in the backpack.”

  “No, I'd like to meet you in the parking lot and hike to the top with you. I just want a little while alone there. I'll meet you at about 8 in the south parking lot.” Before he finished speaking Tyson was up and headed for the shower.

  He took his time in a long hot shower and tried sorting through his thoughts. He put on jeans and a pair of hiking boots, a T-shirt and grabbed a water bottle. He ate an apple on the way out the door and was on the road to North Mountain just as the sun began peeking over the horizon.

  North Mountain is a mostly paved, easy hike with steep inclines and a breathtaking view of the city on all sides from the top. He had hiked it too many times to count with his mom as he grew up. It had long been one of her favorites and the memories of hikes as a child flooded his mind. He was 3 or 4 and his dad and mom were hiking beside him with Mark in the backpack. His legs were tired and he wanted to quit but his dad kept encouraging him, first verbally and then by holding his hand as they walked up the steep hills. His mom distracted him by pointing out the lizards and caterpillars and birds on the mountain and he ran in short bursts and then stopped to rest often. It was only when he fell down while running on a downhill stretch and skinned his knee that his dad had scooped him up in his arms and carried him up the last of the hill on his shoulders. That was before his mom's hips had started to debilitate her and she had been able to hike the mountain easily with the added weight of a child in the backpack.

  There were more challenging mountains in the area that his mom often hiked but she always thought that North mountain was the perfect place to introduce her kids to a lifelong love of hiking and the vistas at the top. He remembered the first time he made it all the way to the top without any help just before he entered kindergarten and they went out to celebrate with a Happy Meal at McDonalds. His mind rolled back to the times in high school he ran sprints up and down the steepest part to get in shape for sports while his mother hiked up and back. One night in particular before he left for college the whole family had picnicked at the base and then hiked the mountain to watch the sunset. The kids had laughed, raced and teased each other up the mountain but whenever they turned around their parents were on the hill behind them, hand in hand slowly making their way to the top. They stopped on the western side and watched the sun set, then hiked to the top and sat on the bench to watch the city lights come on below and the stars emerge above. It was one of those fond memories of a secure childhood that lingered in your heart bringing contentment when you needed it most. That might have been the last time he hiked this mountain with his mother. He couldn't remember another time. But the joy in her face sparkled in her eyes as she stood on the mountain with the people she loved most in the whole world surrounding her. Tyson smiled at the memory. His mom had this way of ruining any moment by making some sappy comment that made them all uncomfortable. He didn't remember exactly what it was, but she had done it again that night. Something about family being your best friends that he and his siblings had immediately dismissed. They always teased her about the emotion in her voice when she spoke but it never seemed to keep her from doing it. Now that picture in his mind was one he cherished.

  Tyson hiked to the top where the pavement ended and then on a tiny trail around the peak where he could sit on a rock and see the view, and be alone. He watched the city come to life as the sun welcomed the morning. He thought about his mom and he thought about his brother.

  He sat for a long time just thinking and remembering and then it just seemed natural to talk to his mom. He had never felt like her gravesite really housed anything more than her body, but up here he felt the strength of her spirit. If she could ever hear him it would be right here in this place she loved. “Aw mom, I miss you. I would give almost anything to have you back in my life again.” Tyson knew as he spoke, the one thing he wouldn't give was the little family headed to the mountain right now. That's really where it all had started anyway wasn't it? It was about his love for his mom and his love for his new precious family. They were the two most important things in his life.

  “I've relived that scene in the stairwell a thousand times in my mind and I still don't know what I could have done differently. I'll never forget your face that day or the pleading in your voice. I felt so much fear and indecision internally, but from you only love.” Tyson hesitated. He knew that's not really what he wanted to say.

  “I guess I needed a few minutes alone today to thank you. Thanks for knowing what I needed to do even when I didn't. For pushing me away when I couldn't make myself leave. For your confidence in death and your faith in God that let you make such a sacrifice. Thank you for knowing how much Liz, Kylee and Kenny needed me and how much I needed them to make me a better man, worthy of their love. Mom, you showed me what family love really is all about and I promise to be
a son you can be proud of, and to love like you do, perfectly unselfish. If it's possible watch over me mom and help me.”

  Tyson blew a kiss into the wind. “I love you mom. I always will” He stood up and made his way back down the mountain. As he started down the last incline he heard Kylee yell, “I Spy”, and his heart smiled a little.

  When he shaded his eyes he could see her little body jumping up and down on top of the picnic table waving frantically and yelling, “Hi daddy” at the top of her lungs. He waved back and increased his pace. Kylee ran up the trail to meet him and he scooped her up in his arms. He met Liz by the car, putting Kenny and the water bottles into the backpack just as his dad's SUV pulled into the lot with Cami and Sean and baby Laura. Tyson had known they'd be there and it was always so good to have everyone together. They all piled out of the car and 18 month old Laura ran over to join her cousins. Sean hadn't brought a backpack but the mountain was a casual hike for him and he could easily do it with Laura riding on his shoulders.

  Everyone exchanged hugs all around and it was obvious that emotions were on the surface. They waited a few minutes for Marci and Eli to pull into the parking lot and as she opened the trunk to get the backpack out for Eli, he ran to join his cousins. He had missed them since he'd been at day care lately and was anxious to be around them again. Kylee was already bossing around the rest of them when they were ready to hike. Todd offered to take Eli's backpack and Marci consented. “He will probably want to hike most of the way, especially if Kylee is going to. If he gets tired it will be nice to have.” Todd loaded up the back pack and led the way up the trail. Since it was a weekday there wasn't much traffic on the mountain and they could let the kids go at their own pace as long as they stayed close. They talked casually about what was going on in their lives as they climbed, and they laughed easily together. They stopped often to let the kids rest and went at a leisurely pace. It still took less than 30 minutes to climb to the top.

  They reached the top and sat down to rest for a minute on the bench. The kids ran around peering over every edge. Most of the edges were a gradual descent so the adults weren't overly worried about a fall. The kids seemed to have a healthy fear of heights.

  They all sat on the benches and surrounding rocks and Todd started talking. “I appreciate you all being here with me today. This is a hard day. I thought maybe after today I could move on, but I realize I'll never really move on. Shari is my life and always will be. Mark is my son and always will be. I'll never move past them, but it doesn't mean I can't keep trying to find happiness in the time I have left on this earth. I hope you can all find moments of supreme joy in your lives. I know Shari better than anyone on this earth and I can promise you that the one thing Shari would have wanted was for you to love each other and live your life filled with joy. We've had a lot of tears and sorrow, but I'm hoping we can focus now on what a blessing it was to have those two in our lives. The things we learned from them, the joys we shared with them and the gifts they gave us will always be with us. When we think of them now, let’s try to think of the moments that made us laugh or smile and be glad for the time we had them.”

  It was silent for a moment and the wind whispered quietly through the bushes. Cami pushed a lock of hair from her eyes and said, “Well, I have an announcement. Sean and I are going to have another baby. We are very excited, and if it's ok with you we'd like to name our baby after one of our very favorite people in the whole world. If it's a boy we'd like to name him Mark.” She glanced hesitantly at Marci and Marci smiled and nodded her approval. “If it’s a girl we'd like to name her Sharilyn after her grandmother.” Todd was beaming his approval. Cami hesitated slightly, “I guess I like to think the baby and mom and Mark are already great friends somewhere.”

  Congratulations made the rounds. Kylee was attempting to explain to Laura what it meant to have a baby but the younger girl was busy trying to step on a caterpillar.

  Marci toyed with Eli's hair and looked at the ground as she spoke, “I'd like to thank you all for your love and support this past year. I know I haven't been easy to be around and I wanted to let you know that I'm waking up most mornings now with a desire to face the day and a hope that someday I can be filled with joy again. That's a big step from where I was even 6 months ago. Mark was such an incredible person. I know I'll always miss him but I'm trying to be the positive, happy mother to Eli that he would have wanted his son to have. I want Eli to get to know his father a little bit so I'm making a video scrapbook of his life. Sort of a life story that includes photos, video of him playing the piano and singing and spending time with Eli and I and I'm even thinking of including a few comments from close friends and family members. I guess it will culminate with memorabilia from the charity race.” She turned quiet and waited for a response.

  Tyson, sitting on a rock nearby, reached out and squeezed her hand. “I think that is a great idea Marci. I want you to know that I consider Mark a true hero and I always will. I'm writing down the details of everything I remember from our final conversations in the stairwell a year ago in case you or Eli ever feel the need to better understand any part of it. I hope to be an influence in Eli's life as he grows up and let him know how much I admired and loved his father. He was one of the greatest men I've ever known and he proved it with his final decision.” Marci let the tears that had been simmering on the surface all day slide unchecked down her cheeks.

  Todd looked around him at his children and grandchildren, and he was filled with contentment. It may not exactly be joy, but it was a start in that direction. He looked out over the city that he loved and remember a year ago when Shari stood here with her hair blowing in the breeze. When he spoke his voice was filled with love, “Your mother loved this mountain and both she and Mark loved hiking. I thought you guys might like to know that I bought a couple of memorial benches with their names engraved in the stone. I would love to put one on this mountain but you're already sitting on one here. I think Shari would have liked one at Lake Pleasant Regional Park at her favorite look out over Honeymoon Cove. I'm thinking of putting one for Mark on top of Camelback Mountain where he loved the view.”

  Cami reached over and hugged her father. “They would love that dad. It will be fun for our kids to grow up, hike those mountains, and remember the stories of mom and Mark.”

  Sean put Laura on his shoulders and took his wife's hand. Tyson took Marci's hand and wrapped his other arm around Liz's shoulder. Kenny, Kylee and Eli gathered around their parents legs' and Todd stood behind the group with his arms around as many shoulders as he could reach. Together they looked out over the city. Todd's voice rose slightly with emotion as he said, “We're going to make it Shari. We're going to be ok.”

  ###

  About the author:

  Kristy Sawtelle is a professional storyteller and speaker when she’s not at home with her husband and 5 kids. She loves romantic getaways, teaching, and hiking the mountains around her Phoenix home.

  Connect with Me Online: