A Decision Based On Love Read online

  Chapter 3

  Outside, Tyson stood for a moment and then his knees buckled and he fell to the ground.

  “Nooooo,” he rasped with his little remaining strength. Then it was more of a prayer, “please, please let them get out.” But even as he plead... he knew. The knowledge washed over him and he felt the pain rip through his insides. He tried to go back inside but the exit he had come through was a pile of cement rubble and there was no other way in. He didn't think it was possible to hurt with such a deep ache. Someone pulled him away from the sidewalk as panic and pandemonium reigned around them. He sat like a child on the grass, alone, as he buried his face in his strong, tanned hands. His body rocked back and forth with his sobs. Then everything just seemed to stop. For how long, he had no idea. And then his father was there. He wrapped his arms around Tyson, and the tears began again. At first there was a pleading question in Todd's eyes, answered by the sorrow in Tyson's. Tyson couldn't say the words, he just kept shaking his head and saying, “I'm so sorry dad,” They just cried together, as police and ambulance roared around them. People tried to get back into buildings that had crumbled, but they were restrained. Aftershocks still rocked the ground and emergency crews were searching for survivors.

  Though the police and ambulance worked frantically around them, the two men stood motionless and watched in a helpless stupor. Camera crews came, people screamed and cried but they were oblivious to everything. Suddenly, Liz barreled into Tyson, knocking him almost off his feet. She was hysterical, sobbing uncontrollably and laughing as she launched her body into his. His arms instinctively wrapped around her and he slowly inhaled the scent of her perfume. He crushed her tiny body in his big arms and held on with desperation. She kept touching him. She touched his hair, his shoulders, and finally his face. She was still sobbing too hard to kiss him so she nuzzled his cheek as she explained in broken sentences, “I couldn't....call you....I kept trying....I was....so worried....the kids....mom. I love you so much.”

  As Liz looked into the eyes of the man she was afraid she would never see again, she was filled with something so delicious it threatened to burst her insides. She started to tell him, until she finally saw the pain and sadness behind his swollen eyes. For the first time she looked around, tentatively at first, then frantically with mounting terror. She must have missed them. They had to be here. A glance at Todd's heavily lined face answered her unspoken question. Liz had a million questions but she sensed that neither man had the strength to answer them right now. Immediately, her protective, nurturing nature took over and she wrapped her arms around Tyson, infusing some of her strength into him, caressing, whispering nonsensically and comforting in any way she could.

  About sunset, Marci made it to the tiny group. She too ran at full stride towards them from where she had parked miles away. Unlike Liz, she didn't barrel into anyone. She stopped short when she saw them, looked questioningly around and then desperately at their faces. All three of them looked at the ground and she knew. Still, she refused to know. She kept shaking her head and looking around. He was there somewhere. He had to be. He couldn't be gone. She would have known it. He talked to her on the phone after the quake. He had to be still alive. If Tyson was out, Mark had to be too. The tears and the anguish she saw on his family's faces suggested otherwise. Todd reached out to her and said, “I'm so sorry Marci, they didn't make it out.” She pushed him away. “No, no, no, don't say that. I talked to him. I know he's ok.” She was shaking her head and her voice rose in hysteria. She ran toward the building but a burly fireman blocked her way. “It's too dangerous miss; we'll let you know when we find anything.”

  Marci walked back to the group, in a stupor. She neither saw nor heard anyone. She just closed her eyes, prayed and waited.

  There was almost no question that any life could ever emerge from the rubble that was left, still there had to be hope.

  The hope lasted less than 12 hours when they carried out the bodies of a 55 year old woman and the 28 year old son who died trying to protect her. Todd's knees buckled as he recognized the sleeve of Shari's favorite shirt under the cloth. Marci rushed to the gurney, saw the hand hanging over the side, still wearing the engraved wedding ring she had so lovingly placed upon it, and she crumpled into a tiny ball. There she rocked and she sobbed; a pitiful, wrenching sound that hovered on the air around them.

  The firefighter that had helped carry them down sat leaning against a stone pillar; his sides still heaving from the exertion. Todd knew it may be his only chance and he had to know what the firefighter knew. He crouched down beside the big, dust covered man. “That's my family,” he whispered, “Can you tell me where you found them?”

  The firefighter hesitated, and then saw the pain and question in Todd's eyes. “They were on the stairwell about what used to be the 16th floor I think. The young man was wrapped around the older woman, and a block of cement was on top of them.” Then he added hopefully, “I think they died quickly.”

  After an eternity, Liz picked up Marci and helped her stand. Together the group slowly walked towards the cars, leaning on each other for support. No one spoke as they shuffled slowly towards the rest of their lives, knowing, nothing would ever be ok again.

  Tyson and Liz took his car and Todd took Marci home making a mental note to make arrangements to have a friend pick up the other cars later. When Todd dropped Marci off her family was waiting anxiously in the living room. It was easier for Todd to walk away because Marci was instantly infolded in the loving arms of her family members. As he quietly closed the door behind him he heard the sounds he was already so tired of hearing. It seemed like the whole world was crying around him, and he knew there were a lot more tears to come.

  Todd turned off the radio to ride home in silence. Then he turned the radio back on so he wouldn't have to think. He turned it up loud and tried to think of the lyrics, anything to keep from processing the days' events. It didn't work. Shari's face, laughing and looking up into the sunshine on a mountaintop kept coming into view. How could he live without her? Did he even want to try? What would life be like every day without her in it? To lose Shari and Mark in one day was almost more than he could stand. Would he really not feel the strong embrace of his son again? He thought of Mark's booming, carefree laugh. It made Todd smile every time he heard it. It hurt too much to think about not hearing that laugh again. What about Marci? She was so newly married with such a long, hollow future in front of her. How would she ever survive? Then his thoughts turned to Tyson. What had happened? How had Tyson gotten out of the building while the other two hadn't? He had a lot of questions, and he knew he'd get the answers he needed if he could just be patient. He knew Tyson though and one thing he knew without doubt, there was an explanation.

  Todd held it together as he walked in the house and headed towards the phone. The message light blinked repeatedly at him. He steeled himself to make the hardest phone call of his life. His fingers shook as he dialed the number of his only daughter, living out of state. He had to redial 3 times to get it right. Cami answered on the first ring, “Dad, it's so good to hear your voice. Where have you been? I've been worried sick since I heard about the quake. Is everyone ok?”

  The lump in Todd's throat got bigger and started to close up. He swallowed past it and closed his eyes to stop the burning behind the lids. He tried to talk but only a rasp came out.

  “Dad, what's going on? Tell me... this is killing me. Is mom ok, Tyson and Mark and their families? What's happened?” Her voice was laced with desperation.

  How do you tell a daughter that she's lost her best friend and closest confidant, the mother she adores and the grandmother to her children? How do you break someone's heart? Yet, he knew the uncertainty was killing her. He searched but found no words, so he just said it, “We lost your mother and Mark in a building collapse.”

  There was silence. Then a sharp, indrawn breath and the denial that each of them had experienced. From there she quickly became incoherent
and suddenly her husband was on the phone. Utterly exhausted now, Todd repeated the message and then nodded numbly as Cami's husband Sean promised they would be there in less than 24 hours. Todd hung up relieved that Cami had such a good, strong man to help her through this darkest day. He knew Sean was in for a long, hard journey.

  One more phone call. Todd decided to call only his sister. She would let everyone else know and spare him that pain at least. Resigned now, he dialed her number. She too, answered on the first ring. Everyone they knew out of state would be sitting by the phones waiting to hear, suspecting the worst, since it had been so long without word. Plus, he knew he could count on his sister to maintain her composure at least until he got off the phone. Todd was right. He delivered the message in two short sentences and then asked her to let everyone know. Word would travel quickly from there. His sister listened quietly, whispered condolences and then hung up the phone.

  Tired beyond anything he had ever experienced, Todd wanted nothing more than to close his eyes and enter into oblivion. He tried again to stop the flood of memories and just concentrate on getting into bed. Automatically he locked the door, turned out the lights and headed into the bedroom.

  When he flipped on the bedroom light, he wasn't prepared for the feelings that overwhelmed him. The bedroom, decorated in Caribbean blue to remind Shari of a vacation they shared, was a compilation of Shari's love for him and their lives together. Seashells on the vanity, pictures on the walls and mementos from trips were scattered everywhere. This room, which held so many precious, loving memories, was suddenly too much for him. For the first time, since the moment he saw Tyson outside of the building, Todd didn't have to be strong for anyone else. He consciously let the sadness seep through his joints. His knees buckled and before he knew it he was kneeling. Hurting too much to pray, he just knelt there and let the tears flow, interspersed with incoherent rambling questions directed at God, and Shari and Mark.

  Sometime later, emotionally spent, he crawled into bed, buried his face in the pillow that still smelled like Shari and fell into a restless oblivion.

  He only slept for a few hours and when he woke up it took a few seconds for the pain to register. He tried to go back to sleep but ended up on the couch in the living room, with the TV on, fading in out of sleep throughout the night and into the morning hours.

  By late morning the cell phone towers were back up and running and his cell phone continuously rung. He checked the numbers, made a mental note to call them back and ignored the ring. He watched the news casts of the devastation caused by the earthquake and felt a moment of surprise that less than 1000 people had lost their lives during the huge quake. In a city of a couple million people that was fairly amazing. That thought was immediately followed by a stab of resentment that his family had suffered such great loss. Even though several buildings at the city center had collapsed, they had taken awhile to come crashing down and most people had been able to get to safety in time. To the country it didn't count as an especially horrific disaster, but to those who lost loved ones it was a great tragedy.

  By early afternoon, Todd's ecclesiastical leader, friends and neighbors started to come by. As Todd sat, barely acknowledging condolences, they began to take care of details for him. They set up plans for a combined funeral service and made arrangements with the morgue and cemetery. Several of Shari's closest friends knew what she would have wanted and began to make the arrangements. Todd made only one request, “Both Shari and Mark were incredibly happy, positive people,” he said. “They would be upset if the funeral is morose and weepy. Can you please try to make it more of a celebration of their lives than a mourning of their passing?”

  Shari's friend's eyes misted and she smiled through the tears. “That's a brilliant idea Todd, and exactly what Shari and Mark would want.” She hugged him quickly and started to leave.

  When Cami and her family got there by late that evening, most of the friends and neighbors were heading home. Todd had spent the last several hours quietly accepting hugs and responding very little, but the second Cami walked through the door, he put on his unconquerable dad demeanor. He quickly transformed into the man with all the answers, the rock of strength for everyone else.

  Cami brushed her long blond hair back over her shoulder and slipped into the enveloping embrace of her beloved father. It was obvious she hadn't slept since getting the news and her big, blue eyes wore a tortured expression when she looked up at her father. He knew what she was searching for and he whispered against her hair, “It's going to be ok sweetheart, it'll be ok.”

  Cami drew strength from him. She had cried so many tears in the last 24 hours and had such a giant pity party for herself and all of the things she would miss about her mom and big brother, she was just now realizing how difficult this must be for her dad. She had so many questions and she was still so raw from the shock. It hurt just to breathe. Still she clung to her father for the strength he offered. If he said it would be ok, it would. It may take time, but they were a family and they still had a lot to live for. Cami's husband came in behind her, carrying their infant daughter Laura. Completely unaware of the sorrow surrounding her, she spotted her grandfather and giggled with delight. Her little nose wrinkled with her giggle and Todd reached down and plucked her from the baby carrier. For just a minute, he lost himself in the sweet baby smell of her skin and hair as he cradled her gently in his arms. Moments like this would have to give him the strength he needed in the days to come.

  Tyson and Liz arrived home and Tyson sat on the couch while Liz made the necessary phone calls. In a low voice she whispered, “Yes, Tyson is ok, no Shari and Mark didn't make it.” Then after a short pause, she answered, “I don't know. I don't know that either.”

  Tyson knew what they were talking about. The same question everyone would have. How had he made it out when the others hadn't? How could he answer? He didn't even know the answer himself. It had felt right at the time but now he wasn't so sure. How would his father and his sister respond when they heard the whole story? Would his wife be able to love and respect him? Would he ever be able to love and respect himself? He dug his fists into his bleary eyes and tried to grind out the memory of Mark and his mom's face as he had last seen them. His mind posed the most important question of all. Had he made the right choice?

  Liz came over and sat on his lap, curling up like a child against him. Again she touched his hair and his face and clung to his broad shoulders like she had been given the greatest gift in the world and it might be snatched away at any moment. She inhaled the scent of him, worshiped the feel of his rough cheeks, and tried to melt her body into his. “Oh, Tyson, I love you so much,” she whispered against his Adams apple. “I was so afraid when I couldn't reach your phone. What would I have done if you hadn't made it? I swear I will cherish you every day for the rest of my life and never do anything again to make you mad.”

  He smiled weakly at her promise, and then sat her a little ways from him. “Liz, you need to understand what happened in the stairwell. You need to know why I'm here and they're not. I will sit down with my dad and sister and Marci and explain the whole scenario to them, but I need you to understand it first.” He took a deep breath, closed his eyes and recounted the whole scene as his wife sat quietly beside him. He felt her hand slowly making circles on his wrist as she processed everything.

  When he finished he was afraid to look into her eyes. Afraid of what he might see there. But he had to know. He looked up expectantly as he ground out, “I don't know Liz. It felt right when I pictured you and the kids but now it seems so wrong. What have I done?”

  Liz grabbed his face with her small hands and held on with the grip of a marine. “You listen to me mister,” she commanded, “I know your mom very well. You gave her the gift she was pleading for. She would never have wanted you to sacrifice your life to die with her. It felt right, because it was right. You need to be here with us and your mom knew it even if you didn't. Now the only thing you can do is
make sure you live a life that makes her proud. You're a great man Tyson,” she punctuated each word with a kiss somewhere on his face. “Don't you ever question that or forget it.” She held onto his shoulders like a bird of prey clinging to its next meal.

  Tyson remembered for the 1000th time why he loved this little tornado of energy so much. He wrapped his arms around her and buried his head in the sweet perfume of her long, curly hair. Now, if only his dad and sister could see it the same way.

  He was still mulling over when and how to talk to his family when Liz's sister brought the kids home. Kylee, always a sensitive, emotional little girl, could sense that something was wrong in all of the adults she’d been with today. Her aunt had sat on the floor crying while she talked on the phone and Kylee had sat down beside her and cried with her. She didn't know much but she knew that everyone was worried about her dad. When she swung open the front door and saw the most important person in her whole little world calmly sitting on the couch, she promptly burst into tears.

  “Come here honey,” Tyson held out his arms. Kylee flung her exhausted little body against her daddy and clung to him with all of the energy a 3 year old can muster. She was tired and hungry and her hair was sticking up in every direction and all she wanted to do was sit in his arms.

  Tyson sensed her need to be near him, but he felt an even greater need to hold them all close to him. He kissed Kylee’s soft, fine hair as Liz placed a snoring Kenny in his other arm. He slowly drank in the sight and the feel of those two precious bundles of squirming, wiggling sheer joy. He watched his tiny son's perfect little bowed lips smacking in his sleep and brushed his cheek over the fine mist of blond hair and baby soft skin. Then he glanced at Kylee who had promptly fallen asleep, exhausted but safe in her daddy's arms. The side of her face was pressed against his neck and she had the front of his shirt clasped in a death grip in her tiny hand. He just held them there for the longest time. His deep blue, sad eyes met Liz's tear-filled ones over their heads and he knew he'd wonder many more times whether he'd made the right decision today. Right now though, he just needed to hold onto the people he loved.

  Sometime later Liz fell into an exhausted sleep, but woke suddenly about 2am with the distinct impression something was wrong. She immediately looked toward where Tyson slept. He lay beside her in the dark, with his hands propped behind his head, staring at the ceiling. The time for talking was past. She simply curled her body around his, wrapped her arm around his torso and nuzzled her face into his neck. She felt him relax as he dropped an arm to slowly caress her. Eventually, they drifted off to sleep.

  Trusting her instincts, Liz woke Tyson up the next morning with two giggling gifts. Kylee had a milk mustache and her wispy hair had pulled out of last night's pony tail. She was wearing her Cinderella pajamas and bouncing up and down on her daddy's abdomen when he opened his eyes. Kenny was giggling and his little belly was so fat that it strained the snaps on his pajama shirt. He was trying to crawl over his daddy's face but his fat little body got stuck half way so he sat giggling on Tyson’s neck. It was just the distraction Tyson needed. A big-time wrestling match ensued and in no time Tyson had them each pinned under one arm and was distributing raspberries on their chubby bellies. They squealed in delight and Liz watched the scene she'd witnessed 100 times and thought about how close she'd come to never seeing it again. How could she ever tell Tyson how much his decision had meant to her? She knew he'd have a long road and a lot of questions, guilt and pain but she mentally vowed to make sure he never had to question her absolute acceptance.

  They couldn't stay snuggled up together in bed forever, no matter how tempting it sounded. Tyson got up, showered and dressed and then called his dad. The call went unanswered. Later Liz would make a few calls and find out the details of the upcoming funeral. More than anything she wished she could surround Tyson and protect him from the upcoming pain and sorrow. Without even ever having experienced it, she knew that the funeral would be the 2nd worst day of his life and she wished it could just be over.

  Liz sensed the restlessness in Tyson by early afternoon and knew he needed to start to find closure from the day’s events. It would begin with his family. He kept walking by the window, as if expecting to see someone pull up. He washed the same plate over and over and finally turned to Liz.

  “How am I going to tell them what happened? They deserve to know the details, but it's such a fresh, painful wound. I'm not sure I can talk about it yet. I'm not sure I can stand the look in their eyes. What I wouldn't give to pass this job to someone else.”

  The anguish on his face made Liz's heart hurt, the pain in his eyes propelled her to him to touch his face, wrap around him and try to infuse him with her love. Most heart-wrenching of all was the look of uncertainty. As much as they loved him, would they ever understand? How could they, if he didn't understand himself? It was time to find out.

  Liz called Marci's family and asked them to see that Marci got to Todd's house later that evening because Tyson had some things he needed to tell them. She didn't bother to call Todd, she knew he'd be there, and so would Cami. She made arrangements for the kids, knowing Kylee would throw a world class fit about being separated from her dad for a few hours.

  By late that evening they were in the car on the way to Todd's house. Tyson drove silently, but his death grip on the steering wheel spoke of his anxiety. Liz scooted close to him in the truck after they dropped the kids off. She pressed her thigh against his and laid her hand on the muscle there. She felt the muscle work as he alternated pedals and the sudden unbidden thought popped into her mind, “I'm so glad he's still here. So thankful I don't have to live the rest of my life without him.” Yes, this would be incredibly hard, but in the morning and in a thousand more mornings she would wake up beside him, reach out and feel the stubble on his cheek and hear his deep even breathing. He would teach Kenny to throw a ball and videotape Kylee first dance recital. He would take the kids on their first roller coaster and wait up for them on their first date. He would be there to share a thousand tiny moments of joy and heartache with her and at the end of the day he would wrap her in his arms and be her everything. She prayed quietly that his family would understand. They were a truly loving, supportive family but this was a blow that would test the best of them.