A Decision Based On Love Read online

  Chapter 4

  Marci spent the night in her childhood home surrounded by her family. Afraid to let Eli out of her sight she nursed him to sleep and then let him stay tucked into her side as she tried to sleep. A sort of numbness had settled in and she felt like the events of the day had happened to someone else and she was merely an observer. Right now, it hurt too much to think about the future or remember the past so she mentally pushed the stop button every time her thoughts turned to Mark. Later, she would savor all the memories crowding at her mind, but right now they threatened to overwhelm her fragile system.

  More than anyone, Marci needed to understand the events of the day. A place in her mind could understand how Shari may not have been able to make it out of the collapsing building but she couldn't fathom how Tyson could make it out when Mark couldn't. She was consumed with a desperate need to know what had happened. Until she knew, Marci didn't think she'd ever be able to rest. The constant questions clawed at her mind, hungry for answers.

  She dozed sporadically during the night always waking up with heaviness in her chest that threatened to suffocate her. She wondered if one could actually die from a broken heart and, just when it seemed a possibility, she glanced at the sleeping baby beside her. Eli smiled softly in his sleep. He was her precious little man, with his daddy's curls and adorable dimple. She knew she would see Mark every day for the rest of her life when she looked at Eli. With a sigh, she played with the springy curls on Eli's little head and she knew, even if she were given the choice, she couldn't die of a broken heart and leave Eli without either a mother or father. She would simply put one foot in front of the other and continue to breathe every day and maybe one day it wouldn't hurt so much. Right now though, that day seemed like a long way off.

  Eli woke up starving, like he always did, and barreled under the covers looking for some breakfast. His voracious appetite made Marci smile and she realized it was the first time she had smiled since the horrific events of the previous day. Even as the thought occurred to her, Marci's mind was drawn to the many times she and Mark had lain in bed together laughing at Eli's voracious appetite. Mark had loved watching her feed Eli, as he ate with great gusto, slurping and knocking the blanket off of his face. The tears came unbidden but she had cried so much she barely noticed them. “Oh Mark,” she cried to no one in particular, “what happened? How could you leave me when our life together was so perfect?”

  She stayed in bed quietly playing with Eli for the morning and when she finally emerged her family tentatively greeted her and wrapped her in hugs. No one even bothered to ask her how she was doing. It was obvious. As she stared at nothing, paced back and forth between the kitchen and the bedroom she would occasionally sudden scoop Eli off the ground and hug him so passionately he protested. The tears were so constant she didn't really even notice them anymore and a slow numbness seamed to overtake her. Marci didn't have the energy or the inclination to fight it, “Probably a defense mechanism to keep me from having a total meltdown,” she reasoned.

  Eating was a chore but she forced down something so she could nurse Eli. As she passed the mirror in the hall, she glanced up and saw the haggard, sad looking woman and knew that she would never be able to smile again.

  Everyone in the family walked on eggshells around her. If there was anything appropriate or encouraging to say to her, no one could think what it was. For most of that day, Marci just barely existed at the minimum possible level, afraid to let her mind think about Mark. It would hurt too much and she was barely hanging on by a thread as it was.

  Sometime during the day, when time had no real meaning, her mom came in to tell her that Tyson would like to talk to the family that night at Todd's house. Marci nodded vacantly as she absently toyed with the thread on a baby blanket. Her mother had kept Eli entertained most of the day but right now he wanted his mother. He toddled in, raised his hands to her and said, “Up”. She lifted him, snuggled his velvet cheek and closed her tired eyes. She sighed and tried to hold him close but he was perpetual motion, and as if it suddenly occurred to him he looked at her and demanded, “Daddy.”

  Marci's heart caught, fresh tears sprang to her eyes and a little bubble of nausea formed in her stomach, but all she could do was shake her head and whisper, “No daddy.”

  Eli demanded louder, “Daddy,” and Marci just shook her head. Eli threw his toy at her, pushed away when she tried to hold him and threw back his head and began to wail at the top of his lungs. In a minute Marci's mother was there and she took the tantrum throwing one year old as he flailed his arms and legs and screamed for his daddy. He pushed against his grandma, reached for his mom and as the door closed Marci heard him yell, “Noooo, daddy.” Suddenly, it was too much. Like the final marble that causes all the pixie sticks to collapse, the sobbing baby was her undoing. The anger came out of somewhere deep inside. She threw the toy against the wall, and then she threw the pillow. She started ranting incoherently at Mark, at God and at Tyson. She didn't even try to suppress the great gasping sobs as she swept her hand over the dresser and knocked off everything in its path. Maybe someday she would be strong, but not right now. She let her mind be as angry as it wanted. She let a full pity party of misery overtake her as she contemplated the future; her future without Mark. He would never teach Eli to ride a bike or help him discover his amazing talents. There would be no family outings to the zoo; no bike rides down the wash, and no man to show Eli how to be a man. Worst of all, there would be no strong shoulder to lie on at the end of the day, no big tender hands to cradle her face and kiss away the fears, and no one to wake up with every morning the rest of her life. The pain doubled her over. It sucked the breath out of her, and gave her an instant headache. She collapsed on the floor, curled up in the fetal position and hugged her knees to her chest. She began to rock as she sobbed, and slowly the anger was replaced by exhaustion, and she slept.

  When Marci woke up an hour later, her mind was racing. She thought about what her mom had said about how Tyson wanted to talk to the family. Suddenly, it became imperative that she know what happened in the restaurant that day. More than life itself she wanted to be there tonight to hear the events. She had to know what happened, to try to understand. Marci checked her watch, realized it was early evening and went into the bathroom. She splashed ice cold water on her face and automatically ran a brush through her hair. She wanted to nurse Eli once before she left in case she was late getting home. She looked at her pinched, drawn face in the mirror and knew it was time to face Tyson and the family and find out what happened.