A Decision Based On Love Read online

  Chapter 9

  After the funeral Sean went back to work and Cami stayed with her father for a few days just to help him get adjusted to his new life. She made several meals for the freezer, did some shopping, accepted all of the casseroles and flowers from friends and spent a fair amount of time cleaning every little thing just the way her mother would have. As she worked she promised herself she would find a way to come by once in awhile and help him out around the house. It would take time to get used to doing all of the little things that Shari had done for years. For the first time Cami wondered if her father would ever remarry. It wasn't something she wanted to think about so she put it out of her mind.

  Todd had taken a leave from work but after the first few days he wasn't sure that was a good idea. After Cami left he puttered around the house, starting projects but never finishing anything. He couldn't concentrate on reading, every show on TV seemed to be about death, and he ran out of things to say to callers within minutes. He hated the silence of the house, missed something about Shari in every room he entered, and took frequent walks. He knew he'd never be able to leave the house they had shared together for years but right now it just seemed like a big, sad box of pain and he was so tired of the pain.

  He went back to work after the first week. He knew he wasn't running on all cylinders, but he needed work right now to occupy his mind. As the lead engineer on a multimillion dollar project, he was always needed at work and his team was grateful to have him return, even if he did have a short attention span and mentally wander off at regular intervals. Todd welcomed the mental strain of his job and found himself working harder and longer hours. He hated going home to bed alone at night so he simply worked until he was so exhausted that he collapsed on the bed and fell instantly into a deep sleep. It was only while he slept that he was free from the suffocating sadness. For weeks he was able to keep up this routine. He was staying alive, but just barely. His body went through the motions but most of his conscious hours were a fog. It didn't take long for the extra hours and stress to take their toll. His pants started to hang off of his frame and his whole body ached when he got out of bed in the morning. When Cami came into town to see him a few weeks later she gasped in horror at his gaunt appearance.

  “Dad, what is wrong with you? Are you not eating? Are you sick? “She immediately called Tyson and tattled on her father. Todd felt a wave of guilt wash over him. Tyson had been calling and coming by but Todd had never been home, and only briefly returned phone calls. He knew his kids were suffering and they needed him but right now he was hanging by a thread himself and there was just no energy to share with anyone else. Every day was just a test of survival until living stopped hurting so much.

  Todd sat guiltily on the edge of the couch with his head down. Cami knelt in front of him and started to talk to him. He didn't respond so she placed her palms on either side of his face and lifted it to look into her eyes. They were moist with unshed tears. “Please daddy, don't let me lose you too. My heart couldn't bear it. You've got to take care of yourself. Mother would want you too. Don't take away the only parent I have left.”

  The words penetrated and Todd looked at the worry and anxiety in his daughter's face. He hadn't realized he was slowly killing himself. Or maybe he had and he just didn't care. But Cami was right. He couldn't do this to his already suffering children. He promised Cami he would take better care of himself.

  She seemed relieved but she cocked one eyebrow up and threatened, “I will hire an elderly, nagging busybody to come by and check on you weekly if I have to.”

  “Oh to be treated like a recalcitrant 3 year old. The pain of it all,” Todd moaned dramatically.

  “Well then perhaps you should stop acting like one, “Cami countered in her best schoolteacher voice.

  “Reprimanded and repentant,” Todd declared.

  They spent a delightful evening playing checkers and visiting about everything and nothing and when Cami left she took a bunch of addresses to begin the long, tedious job of writing thank you notes to everyone who participated in the funeral, sent flowers or provided food.

  The next morning, Todd woke determined to keep his promise. He ate a hearty breakfast and laced on his hiking boots. He was marginally surprised to feel the little jolt of adrenaline and excitement as he pulled his truck into the parking spot of a challenging mountain. It would feel so good to push his body hard right now. This wasn't Shari's mountain. He wasn't ready for that yet, but this one was his personal favorite. Even though he was weak from overwork and malnutrition he could still run up a mountain with little difficulty. He was on the top in a short while, his breath coming in great gulps. He leaned over to nurse a slight side stitch and gulped water from his camel back. As he gazed out over the Phoenix cityscape, taking in the beauty of the surrounding mountains, he felt for the first time a sense of peace. It started in his heart and the warmth spread to his limbs. Maybe, just maybe he could go on living. Could he have a full and busy life with those he had left to love? He had merely existed for weeks now and frankly, it was draining. He had never been one to wallow, or dwell on past mistakes or circumstances and as he stood on the mountain he determined not to start now. He would take every day as a challenge to be the man Shari had loved for 35 years. He would be the man who loved adventure; the man who never took a day or a relationship for granted.

  After a month of gloom, inactivity and sadness Todd was tired of it all. It's exhausting to be in pain all the time. Yes, he loved Shari and Mark. He would feel the hole left by their passing every day for the rest of his life but he wouldn't become one of those bitter people with no joy left in their lives. He stood on the top of the mountain and watched a lazy cloud float overhead and said with his quiet, methodical approach to solving problems. I may never be as happy as I was with Shari in my arms, but I will love and enjoy my life and those I have left, and someday I will smile and maybe even laugh again.

  It was easy for Todd to maintain his new attitude at work. Things were always busy. He was in high demand and his brain was on overload most of the day. At night when he came home to an empty house, with no dinner and no companion to discuss the events of the day with his resolve faltered. He felt the gloom seeping over him as he tossed a burrito into the microwave. He was just so lonely. The self pity and anger at the situation crept into his mind like an invasive disease. He picked up the phone to call Tyson or Cami, and then slammed it down again. He couldn't expect them to solve his problems. This was his new life and he had to find a way to improve it. He considered calling old friends, but honestly talking to them often left him more depressed than before he called. He switched on all the lights in the house, hoping to dissipate the gloom. Then he turned on the radio to a classic rock station and turned the music way up. It helped a little. He wondered briefly if he was going to lose his mind before he learned how to deal with the loneliness.

  Todd plopped down on the couch. He was an engineer so he decided to handle this like an engineer. He opened up his I pad and began to assess the options. He didn't want to be lonely. He could make new friends, but that was a lot of work and he didn't know if he really wanted new friends. He could spend more time with his kids and grand kids. An excellent idea but it would still leave him with a lot of extra time. The thought occurred to him that he could help Marci with her house and yard and babysitting so she could get away occasionally. She had a lot of family but he would love to be useful in any way he could. He would call her as soon as he finished his list. He could join a club or a sports league. He had always liked tennis and racket ball so he made a note to look into those. He wasn't overly social so he decided against a club where he would have to walk around and make small talk.

  He didn't even write down “date” because he definitely wasn't ready for that. Out of the blue the perfect idea landed in his mind. It would solve the loneliness problem and give him a companion to discuss his day with, a friend to hike with and a warm body to snuggle up to in the evenings
. He would get a dog. It would have to be a well-behaved, trained, big dog. He loved the idea. Immediately, Todd flipped to a search engine on the I pad to try and find the perfect breed. He wasn't sure if he wanted a pure bred or a mutt, but he knew it had to be great with kids, well-trained, tough enough to run up mountains and young enough to live for a long time. He would love to find one at a rescue shelter but that might take awhile. He started searching. For the first time in a long time, Todd was just a little bit excited about something.

  He spent two weeks finding just the right companion. He actually enjoyed the search and he donated to every shelter he visited. In the end, when he looked into the eyes of an unusually large chocolate Labrador he knew he had found his new friend. “Hershey” was given to the rescue shelter because he was just too big for the tiny home of his previous owner. As Todd watched him leap around the shelter he suspected he was also a little too active for most people, but Todd actually loved the idea of a little high maintenance right now. He knew labs were smart and he would be able to train him to be the perfect companion. It would take patience and time and right now Todd had an overabundance of both. He and Hershey both had a little pep in their step as they walked to the car together.

  Todd rolled down the window of the SUV and opened the passenger door. Hershey jumped into the seat, immediately put his paws on the window and stuck his upper body as far out as was physically possible. As Todd drove down the road, he kept an eye on Hershey. The dog's tongue was hanging down one side of his mouth, flapping in the breeze and his eyes were squinted against the wind as he lifted his head up into the breeze. He was the epitome of sheer joy and it made Todd smile. Even if he was pretty sure he could never feel pure joy again it was nice to see someone could. The music played on the radio and suddenly Hershey's hind quarters started wiggling along with the beat. Todd laughed in disbelief as the giant chocolate dog's back end danced with excitement. The laugh felt good and he wondered if that was the first time he had laughed out loud since Shari and Mark's death.

  Todd decided to find out right away how Hershey did with children, since that was the most important characteristic in his new companion. He had been meaning to go by Marci's house and mow the grass anyway so it seemed like the perfect opportunity.

  As he knocked on Marci's door he heard Eli's little feet run across the tile. A few minutes later, Marci and Eli answered the door. When Marci saw the enormous dog she stood in shock, but for Eli it was love at first sight. “Horsey” he squealed as he jumped up and down.

  Todd laughed again, “No Eli, it's not a horsey, it's a dog. His name is Hershey and I brought him to help me mow the grass.”

  To Marci he added, “I wanted to make sure he loves kids so let's visit for a minute and keep an eye on him.”

  Marci nodded though she looked a little unsure. The dog's mouth was bigger than Eli's whole head. Eli however had already climbed onto the couch where he clapped his chubby little hands together and called “Hisee, Hisee” over and over. When Hershey padded over, Eli suddenly leaped off of the couch and attempted to mount the big dog. Hershey moved at the last second and Eli landed with a painful thump on the carpet. Completely undeterred, Eli climbed the couch and tried again, and again and again. It became a great sport for Hershey. He would creep up slowly to the couch with his head and torso near the ground and his hind end up in the air and just as Eli pounced he would sidestep the leaping missile. Eli learned how to fall less painfully and he giggled joyfully every time he missed. As Eli ran into his room to get a ball, Hershey followed him. Eli loved it and immediately threw the ball for him. He cocked his little arm back and stepped his left foot forward just like a natural and threw the ball, directly at Hershey's face. The confused dog jumped and darted around looking for where it landed after it bounced off of his face. When he brought it back to Eli, the little boy squealed in delight. A new game was born.

  The two fast new friends raced around the backyard while Todd mowed the grass. Even Marci smiled at the happiness on her little boy's face and Todd decided Hershey was a keeper.

  Hershey adjusted quickly to his new home. After he explored every square inch of the backyard, he marked his territory repeatedly and Todd wondered aloud, “How can he possibly have that much pee in his body?” They had some dinner, worked on a few training exercises and settled in for the night. Hershey slept at the foot of the bed and for the first time in what seemed forever, Todd fell asleep to the sound of someone else's breathing besides his own.

  They slipped easily into their new routine. They went for a morning hike; Hershey laid around in the Arizona sunshine all afternoon while Todd worked and then when Todd came home they worked on some training exercises, watched a little TV and went to bed. Hershey was an exuberant hiker. He pulled Todd all the way up the mountain the first few times and he seemed to have an insatiable need to “beat” everyone else up the mountain, no matter how far ahead they were. He gulped down so much water at the top that Todd made him carry his own water bottle in a strap on backpack. Hershey got so that whenever he saw the backpack come down from the shelf he would leap and bark in excitement. If Todd was slow filling the water bottles, he would whine and pace back and forth to the door. They often spent their weekends with the grand kids or at the park. Todd would practice his tennis swing against the boards or hit the racket ball against the 3-wall courts and Hershey would run around beside him, barking at the ball or chew on a bone at the edge of the court.

  When the days started to get warm, Todd installed a doggie door to the house. Yes, it was big enough for a full grown man to crawl in but Hershey would probably discourage that. While he was considering installment of the door, briefly Todd wondered if maybe a part of him really didn't care if a serial killer got in. He dismissed the thought with a shake of his head. He was trying so hard to want to be alive.

  The first time Todd came home from work to find an enormous head watching out the window for his arrival he laughed out loud. Hershey was standing on the couch with his paws on the windowsill waiting for Todd. When he spied his new owner Hershey jumped and barked like a little kid full of too much sugar. It reminded Todd of all the times Tyson, Mark and Cami had stood at that window waiting for him to come home with the very same reaction. Even though the reminder of Mark brought a stab of pain, it felt good to have someone excited to see him again.

  It was while Hershey was trying to get a drink from the toilet that Todd began to notice how much he had let the house go since Shari's death. As he pulled Hershey's head from the toilet he noticed for the first time the ring around the inside of the bowl. He realized he really hadn't cleaned the toilets much during their married life.

  “Yikes,” he grimaced, “Was I a chauvinist all these years? Probably one more thing I have to apologize for in the hereafter. Add it to the list.” He went in search of the cleaning supplies, and decided he better do all three bathrooms while he was at it. After over an hour of scrubbing toilets and tubs Todd tore off the rubber gloves, made a nasty face, and declared, “I am NOT going to do that every week. I'll hire someone to come in and clean but that is not how I'm going to spend my time.” His respect and admiration for his wife took another skyward leap. As long as he was at it, he might as well hire someone to do a thorough cleaning every week. It was a matter of self preservation really. “If I have to scrub toilets every week I really will fall into a deep depression,” he convinced himself.