A Decision Based On Love Read online

  Chapter 10

  Cami kept her promise and came by on a regular basis to see her dad. The cleaning lady had just been for the week and Cami came to visit the next day. While reaching to get an apple she found a very full refrigerator. Casseroles of every kind crowded the shelves, wrapped in plastic, foil or Tupperware. Some of them looked like they had been around for a very long time. “What the heck Dad? You have enough food in here to feed an army. Where did you get all this stuff and why aren't you eating it?”

  “Oh, mom's friends keep bringing food by for me. They bring way too much and I can't even begin to eat it all. I used to try to store some in the freezer but I just gave up and throw it all out periodically. I think they feel a little sorry for me not having Mom around to cook for me so they keep feeding me.”

  Cami hesitated for about 5 seconds before she decided to tell him. “Dad, I don't think the only reason they are bringing food by is because they feel sorry for you. Have you stopped to think how many of the women still bringing food are single? She turned over a casserole dish that had a return name and phone number printed on the bottom. Did it dawn on you that they might be letting you know what good cooks they are just in case you are lonely?”

  She could tell by the look on his face the idea had never occurred to him. He looked horrified. “Are you telling me those women are flirting with me? They expect me to ask them out?”

  Cami tried to break it to him gently, “I'm not sure they expect you to ask them out right away, but let's face it dad, you are a tall, successful, good looking, single guy. In case you haven't noticed there's a shortage of those out there and the fact that you loved mom so deeply for so many years isn't dissuading them any either.”

  Todd collapsed in the chair. He hadn't thought of himself as single. He had no desire to. “I can't lead those women on. I can't go on a date. I've got to tell them to stop bringing food by. I'm not available.”

  Cami thought he sounded like he was hyperventilating. “Relax dad, if you don't want to hurt their feelings we'll just tell them that you have hired a full time cook and maid. Then they won't have any reason to keep coming by and dropping off meals. Of course that means you are going to have to hire a full time cook and maid.

  “I already have a maid come in once a week,” he volunteered.

  “Good,” Cami answered, “Now we just need to find you a delicious cook who makes small meals that you can heat up whenever you're hungry. Leave it to me and I'll see who I can find.” While Cami thought the look on her father's face was kind of funny, she really wasn't crazy about her mom's single friends pursuing her father, especially this soon after the accident. After all it had only been a matter of months.

  The following evening Todd was just coming home from work when a white Mustang pulled up in his driveway. A middle aged woman hopped out of the car with a casserole in her hands and smiled in his direction. “Hi Todd, do you remember me? I'm Genevieve, Shari's friend from the scrapbooking club.”

  Todd began to panic. Who was Genevieve? Was she single? He couldn't remember. He was so uncomfortable standing there with a woman that he couldn't remember how to speak. That was alright with Genevieve, she just continued to talk.

  “I brought you a little something to eat in case you get hungry later. I hope you like lasagna.”

  Lasagna was one of his favorites. He looked at her suspiciously. How did she know lasagna was one of his favorites? And she was wearing a blue silky looking shirt. Did she know blue was his favorite color? He fought down the rising terror. No, she couldn't possibly know any of that. It was just a coincidence. He still hadn't said anything and she handed him the dish and smiled up at him.

  “Todd, my number is on the bottom of the dish. Just call me if there is anything else I can do for you ok.”

  He tried to respond. He meant to thank her, but it was more of a stammered grunting thing and then he abruptly closed the door in her astonished face.

  Todd collapsed on the couch. That was nerve wracking. He never wanted to go through that again. He immediately called Cami and told her to hurry up and get the word out that he had hired a cook.

  Household maintenance wasn't the only thing weighing on Todd's mind these days. He cringed the day the check came in the mail. Todd was opening and sorting bills on a Saturday morning when he tore open correspondence from the insurance agency and stopped suddenly. Then he sat down hard on the kitchen chair. He had completely forgotten the huge life insurance policy he had taken out on Shari. What had it been? 20 years ago? He wanted to make sure he could afford to hire all the help the kids would need if something ever happened to her and honestly, he smiled at the reminder, he wanted to make sure she knew her value. But that was years ago. Had he really kept all that insurance all these years? Apparently he had. He had signed so many forms and papers after the funeral that he really couldn't remember even requesting the settlement, yet here it was. After all the fees and adjustments he still had several hundred thousand dollars left. With this kind of money, he would never have to work again a day in his life. That thought made him smile. What in the world would he do with his life if he quit working? That was just about the last thing on earth he needed right now. More time with nothing to do. He put the check away, made a mental note to deposit it into his savings account and went on with his day.

  As hard as he tried to find little moments of joy in his life, Todd still felt weighed down with a heavy load on his heart that often threatened to suffocate him. He woke up every morning with a feeling of peace and contentment, until a split second later when the fog dissipated and he began to remember the events of the past few months. The peace was replaced by hollowness and an ache that just never seemed to go away. He wondered if it ever would.

  The weeks and months slipped into a regular routine for Todd. He worked, he played with Hershey and his grand kids, took his kids and Marci out to dinner periodically and spent time improving his tennis and racket ball skills. He was never really happy, but the moments of profound sadness came less often and he definitely had moments of joy with the kids and grand kids. Moments when he laughed out loud at something they did or said, moments when he heard a funny story or watched a funny movie. He tortured himself with memories of Shari and Mark a little less often these days but he still loved to spend Sunday nights on the deck with a drink in his hand and 80's music on the stereo, replaying some of his favorite memories over the years. Just recently he noticed they made him feel like smiling more often than they made him feel like crying. That had to be some sort of a sign of improvement. He didn't really know what to expect from the grieving process but he thought he was pretty normal. It seemed natural to him that when he read about someone dying he usually wished it were him. He knew he'd never do anything like take his own life, but neither was he sure that he would fight to live if he had a terminal diagnosis. It was just such a tremendous effort to live. He wondered it if was unfair that so many people died of cancer, disease and accidents who fought with all of their will to live, when he was as healthy as a teenager and wasn't sure he even really wanted too.

  It was this thought that led Todd to a personal revelation that ended up bringing some measure of comfort. He began to think about life and death and those he knew who were fighting for life. A colleague of his had recently mentioned his wife's illness and Todd had mentally dismissed the thought. He simply had too much on his emotional plate to deal with anyone else's trauma right now. But as he sat and stirred his drink he focused on the few things he remembered about the conversation. His friend's name was Lew and he thought he remembered that his wife was Laura or Barbara or something similar. It seemed like she was fighting a cancer of some type and nothing seemed to be working. Todd thought about what it would have been like to have time to say goodbye to his wife and hold her hand as she passed rather than the traumatic way it had happened. He also thought about his friend and decided that it was time for a long conversation, a listening ear and a compassionate attitude.
He wasn't sure he was capable of much, but a part of him, deep inside, knew that helping another person through a difficult time might bring Todd some measure of peace himself.

  The next day Todd emailed Lew and asked him if they could go get some lunch together. Lew sounded tired but agreed. About noon they met outside of the plant and decided to walk to an Italian place not far from work. Todd wondered about how to broach the subject of his wife's health and dismissed a couple of ideas before he finally just said, “Lew, I'm sorry I haven't been more involved with what you're going through. How is your wife doing?”

  It was as if the floodgates opened up. Apparently men don't always have the outlets that women do to unload fear, worry and concern. Once Lew started talking he just didn't seem to stop. His eyes were tired and dull looking and his face was hollow and haggard.

  “I'm just so frustrated with the doctors. I can't ever seem to get answers from them, they don't talk to each other or to me and I have no idea what medications they are prescribing half the time. The highs and lows are the worst. One day I think she seems more energetic and optimistic and the next day she is weak and lethargic. I tell you Todd, you can't imagine what it's like to watch someone you love just fade away in front of your eyes. We've tried just about everything and some days I'm just so tired of trying and getting my hopes up again. I haven't told the kids yet, but I think we're getting close to the end. She is in so much pain now the kids can't stand to even come visit her. It tears them up to see her face grimace and wrench up in pain when they are talking to her. She gasps and clutches at them and it just about kills them. She loves to have them visit but it's so emotionally draining on them.”

  Lew sighed and paused to order and eat a bread stick. “I'm sorry I'm talking so much, especially after you so recently lost your wife too, but it seems to consume my every thought. How are you doing?”

  Todd knew it was a rhetorical question that Lew wasn't really looking for an answer to so he just gave him the standard. “I'm getting better day by day.”

  Lew continued, pausing occasionally to take a bite or a drink of water. “I've watched her go from a healthy, laughing, young woman to a shriveled, skeletal old woman in a matter of months. She spends most of her time sleeping and I can't complain about that because it's the only time she's free from pain. She tries really hard not to let others know how much pain she is in but it's obvious in her face, in her eyes and when she moves. It's like a piece of my insides rip every time she writhes in pain. I confess Todd; there are times when I dread going to see her myself because it just hurts so much. She likes to hear my voice but she can't really put forth the effort to talk much, and she leaves the TV on but I don't think she can concentrate on it. She no longer reads or takes walks around the building. She just lays there hurting. It seems the cancer has robbed her of even more than her health. She has lost her dignity, her personality and the simple joys that have brought her so much happiness over the years”

  Todd mumbled something about being sorry but Lew never really heard it. He was lost in his own world of worry and sorrow.

  “Every day the moments of hope and optimism are fewer and fewer. I think it's only a matter of time now. I just can't imagine life without her.” Lew's eyes welled up briefly and his voice choked on the last phrase. “It's the worst possible way to die, and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.”

  That night, as Todd sat on the balcony sipping a smoothly and scratching Hershey behind the ears he had a lot to think about. True, he had lost Shari suddenly and wished he could have said goodbye, told her he loved her, and held her hand as she passed. But Shari would have hated a slow, painful death that left everyone around her emotionally shredded. As Todd watched the sunset fade onto the horizon he thought about the woman he loved and the life she lived. Shari truly loved life and lived it to the fullest. She loved to laugh, to help others and to enjoy nature. Most of his memories of Shari, even on the day she died were positive and filled with laughter and joy. Todd would never have chosen to lose Shari at the young age of 55 but because of her sudden death there were a lot of things she would never have to go through and the family that loved her would never have to watch her suffer.

  Todd decided to think about what Shari would have wanted. Shari thought Alzheimer’s was the most evil, insidious disease ever to plague mankind. Now, she would never have to suffer from Alzheimer’s or the loss of her precious memories. She would never suffer the slow agonizing death of cancer, or even have to be bedridden with some debilitating disease. She would never know constant pain or loss of dignity. It suddenly occurred to Todd that she would also never know the “knife to the soul” pain of losing one of your children or watching your spouse suffer and die. Shari truly would have hated all of those things, and because of that fateful day in the tower she would never have to live through any of them. Everyone dies and very few of us have any say in the way that comes about. Shari's sudden death may not have been the worst way for her to die. Todd mulled these thoughts over and over in his mind as darkness enveloped the patio. He still couldn't say that it was a blessing the way Shari died but a tiny part of his brain had begun to formulate the possibility that she would have been much happier this way than with some of the alternatives.